Anger isn't problem; it's the response
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the February 14, 2005 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Webster's II New Riverside Dictionary describes anger as "a feeling of great displeasure or hostility." Have you ever felt those feelings? Of course you have. We all have.

Anger is an emotion just like crying or laughing, a feeling about someone or something. Yet of all the emotions, anger is the most misunderstood. We go through life telling each other it is bad to feel angry. Why is it bad to feel angry? If someone or something gets you upset or displeases you, why can't you feel angry? If someone makes us laugh, we don't find people telling us not to laugh. When we are sad and cry, should we be told not to cry? Then why is it so bad when we show our feelings of anger?

It is because we usually confuse anger with the response to anger. No one has ever gotten in trouble for feeling angry; they have gotten in trouble for their inappropriate response. In fact, getting angry is a good thing. Think about how mundane and boring this world of ours would be if no one ever felt angry. How would we challenge ourselves to improve if we did not feel angry and displeased with our performance?

How would business compete if owners and workers all thought they did a good enough job and didn't have to strive to meet new goals or develop new products. How would we garner the strength as human beings to persevere from the elements of our environment, such as storms, floods, and earthquakes if we did not get the least bit angry?

Anger is not the problem; the inappropriate response to the anger is the problem. As humans, we usually respond to things on an emotional level, taking things far too personally. Today we hear about all kinds of rage - road rage, supermarket rage, sports rage. The other day I heard of a case of "sandwich rage" where someone got upset over the way his burger was cooked.

In many of these cases, the actual rage of the moment - be it road rage or sports rage - is a trigger that sets off the inner rage that may have been building for some time. The "inappropriate anger" is manifested in one of two ways, either by imploding or exploding. Let's look at these two reactors.

• Exploders move from anger into rage quickly. Often they become irrational and cause harm to themselves and those around them. Their anger is in the rage of the moment.

• Imploders stuff their anger. They hold it for long periods of time because of fear, insecurity and/or low self-esteem. Initially, the pent-up anger appears to cause little harm to them. However, imploders cannot hold the anger forever. The longer it is held in, the more damage it does to the person retaining it. An imploder will eventually become an exploder.

As irrational as the exploder may seem, the imploder appears more so. Imploders stack dominos called emotion and pain. When these dominos are knocked over, they fall on the next in line in a chain reaction. All it takes to knock over the first domino is an insignificant event at the wrong time.

The good news is you don't have to handle your anger by imploding or exploding. There is another way. Next week we will look at the first rule in anger management.

About the author
Michael Hayden of Lowell is a certified Master Level Therapist in anger management and five other counseling disciplines. He holds master's degrees in both psychology and social work. He is also an elected school committee member of the Greater Lowell Regional Technical High School. A U.S. Marine Corps veteran, he and his wife have three children.

Have a question about your anger? Email Mike Hayden at Stressunit@aol.com or write to him at: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, P.O. Box 1477, Lowell, Mass. 01853.