How you deal with anger is a matter of personality type
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the July 4, 2005 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

We have all heard of "flight or fight" when talking about stress in our lives. This refers to the instinctive responses we have within us when we feel threatened. Conflict is something that is a part of our daily lives; therefore we must develop a style of behavior in order to deal with it. The three most common styles of behavior used are: aggressive style, passive style and assertive style. If you are going to deal with conflict and the anger that goes with it, you need to determine which style or type of behavior you are prone to.

The aggressive type goes immediately into the fight mode. Their main interest is coming out on top at any expense. They fear that letting someone or something get the best of them, even for a moment, spells defeat. The strategy is to go on direct assault physically, verbally or both.

The following are some traits of the aggressive type;
a) Giving a glaring stare at someone they are confronting
b) Screaming aloud when they become angry
c) Tending to put down the other party or parties verbally
d) Wanting people to fear them
e) Tendency to become very impatient

The aggressive strategy is something that has been developed as a defense mechanism against further pain. Past history has shown that many aggressive types have been victims themselves.

The passive types are seen as not wanting to rock the boat. Often they are seen as people who will go to any length to avoid a conflict. While passive is not always a bad thing, it can complicate things by sending a mixed message. The silence on an issue can be interpreted as a submission to others.

The following are some traits of the passive type
a) Talking with hand over their mouth
b) Slumping down while sitting
c) Whining when feeling threatened
d) Letting people take advantage of them
e) Not being comfortable with eye contact

The assertive type is much different than the aggressive or the passive type. The assertive type is willing to take responsibly for their actions. They're usually straight to the point and leave little question as to what they want. However, their style while direct is respectful and comes with the assumption that all parties have the right to express themselves.

The following are some traits of the assertive type:
a) Saying "no" without feeling guilty
b) Considered a good listener
c) Willing to admit mistakes
d) Willing to try new things
e) Being content with their lives

Once you have identified what style of behavior you have been using, you can make the adjustments needed to deal with your anger response in a more mature manner.

An assertive type or style is much more productive and far less confrontational. It allows you to get your point across without intentionally offending others. It helps you win their respect, even when in disagreement. It is far less taxing on the inner self and leaves you more time to enjoy life and resolve the conflict.

Do you have a problem with your style or do you want to be assertive in a positive way? Over the next few weeks we will look at using an assertive style to deal with anger.

Have a question about your anger? Email Mike Hayden at Stressunit@aol.com or write to him at: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, P.O. Box 1477, Lowell, Mass. 01853.