"The rules" can help girl deal with boyfriend
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the April 4, 2005 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

I am at wit's end in trying to help my 16-year-old daughter, Maryann. Maryann has been dating Bobby for about a year, however all they ever seem to do is argue. After coming home from being with him she seems so angry. She does not want to talk, she slams doors and ends up going up to her room. I have gone up to her bedroom door and heard her on the phone arguing with him. Lately this seems to be getting worse and it is making the entire house miserable.

However when she goes to her job at a local supermarket she seems to return home in a good mood. I overheard her talking on the phone about a nice boy who works with her. I believe that she would like to date this boy; however when I approached the subject of her dating others, she got very upset and stormed away.

I am at end of my rope, I want to help my daughter and get my home back to normal, however I am out of options.

Concerned Mom

Concerned Mom,

Let's see how the first four rules of anger management may help in this situation. Getting Maryann to look at the Big Picture, looking at the positive things about staying with Bobby versus the negative things that are coming out of this relationship. When Maryann does this honestly, she will see that constant fighting and arguing with Bobby is no way to have a decent relationship. She can look at what she is missing out on. Comparing her relationship with that of others who are having fun and doing things together can do this. Looking at the big picture will let her see how not being tied down with Bobby will let her date others, perhaps that nice boy from the supermarket.

Secondly, is she staying with him because she thinks her friends or others say she should? If this is the case, someone should explain to her that the other people are entitled to their opinion but she does not have to own their opinion. Maryann will see that it is ok to have a different opinion from others and that she does not have to succumb to peer pressure.

Maryann may be feeling that she is alone with no one to talk this situation over with. She needs someone to listen to her side of the story. That person needs to be someone who will not criticize her and try to solve her problems. However it will be someone who will give her some choices, so that she can make her own decision. It is very important that Maryann solve this problem by herself, because if someone else solves it for her, it will only make her weaker in the next crisis. Having someone to listen and not judge her will help her tremendously.

Does Maryann have a safety net? Someone she trusts, whom she can pour her heart out to and feel safe. Maybe an aunt, older cousin, counselors at school or maybe friends of yours who she has known for years.

You are probably too close to this situation to give advice, without being seen as just a mother who is interfering in her daughter's life. The best thing you can do in this situation is help Maryann build her safety net. You could look around and find someone who might fit the description we talked about, for Maryann to confide in.

Stressunit

Next week we will look at Rule Number 5

Have a question about your anger? Email Mike Hayden at Stressunit@aol.com or write to him at: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, P.O. Box 1477, Lowell, Mass. 01853.