Buried resentment may be root of wife's dissatisfaction with husband
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the April 5, 2010 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: My husband and I have been married for more than 20 years and, except for normal arguments, have gotten along pretty well. However, about a year ago, I noticed that I was complaining about him constantly to my friends and family.

It seems like nothing he does can please me. I complain about what he doesn't do around the house, yet never give him credit for what he does do.

Last weekend, he stayed home and painted the entire kitchen while I went shopping. When I got home, I started to complain because he hadn't taken the garbage out yet.

To his credit, he rarely says a word but I can tell by his facial expressions that it's getting to him. I have to complain or scold him no matter what he does. I also find myself resenting him more and more every day and I am never happy to see him.

It's not like I want someone else to take his place. But I find myself falling out of love with him faster all the time.

Our two teen daughters have noticed it and have asked me what the problem is. They want to know why I am constantly on his back.

My sister thinks I am still upset with him subconsciously for something he did when we were first married. About eight months after we were married, he had a one-night stand with an old girlfriend and I found out. We had it out and went to counseling for about a year. I got over it, so I don't think that is the problem.

Can you suggest how I can control my anger when it comes to my husband? I know down deep I really love him. -- Cheryl

DEAR CHERYL: First, you should do an inventory to find out what has changed or happened in the past year, since you said these feelings started about a year ago. Look at your home life and see if something might have occurred that brought up the feelings you experienced during the infidelity.

Ask yourself if you've begun to feel unwanted or if your husband isn't paying attention to you. Sometimes we feel that we have gotten over a situation only to find out later that we just buried those feelings deep within us instead of dealing with them.

Think back over the counseling sessions. Did you really put those hurt feelings to bed or did you merely put them aside? Having your spouse be unfaithful to you is traumatic. You may very well be holding in resentments that are making you look for things in your husband's behavior to bother you. It may be the things you are complaining about are insignificant things that you are using to replace the real imploded anger.

I would suggest that the two of you sit down and talk and possibly go back to counseling to find out if indeed you have put those feelings aside.

The one thing I can guarantee is that if you do nothing, things will definitely get worse, not better. Keep those lines of communication open at all costs. It can only help you. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.