Bailing daughter out isn't answer to her drug problem
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the April 6, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: My husband and I have only one child, a daughter who is 28 years old and lives on her own. About three years ago, we started noticing real changes in her. Until then, she had never given us a problem.

About that time, she started going with this guy she met through mutual friends. Her bizarre behavior began not long after that. She lost several jobs; she also ended up getting evicted from her apartment and moved in with this guy.

Not long afterward, we found she was addicted to heroin. Needless to say, we were appalled. She broke into our home and stole from us. She borrowed or stole money from all of her friends. It was just horrible.

Last week, she was arrested for drug possession and prostitution. She was held on high bail because she had no permanent address. As you might expect, she called us, crying and asking us for bail.

I told my husband in no uncertain terms that we should not bail her out. My feeling was, if we bail her out, she'll just go back to her lifestyle and could end up dead.

My husband agreed, somewhat reluctantly, but now I am angry with myself. On one hand, I feel I should not bail her out; on the other, this is the child I gave birth to and I have a responsibility to help save her.

What doesn't help is that she calls nightly from jail, telling us how horrible things are and how much she misses us. How do I deal with my anger over this situation? -- Sonia

DEAR SONIA: The big picture is what are you trying to accomplish here. I believe you are trying to help your daughter get her life back and deal with her addiction. That being the case, you have to ask yourself a couple of questions.

If you do bail her out and she doesn't immediately go into a very structured drug program, she will most likely use again. Second, she'll learn only one lesson if you do bail her out: "When I get into trouble, all I have to do is call mommy and daddy and they will fix it."

You also have to understand that she's the one who got hooked on drugs. You and your husband did not hold her down and make her do drugs. You can try to blame her boyfriend, but while he may have influenced her, I don't believe he forced her to do drugs. Finally, you must not forget you have always been there to help her. She did not elect to take advantage of your help.

This is what they call "tough love" -- and it is not called tough just for the sake of words. It really is tough.

The best thing you can do for your daughter is stand your ground and stop beating yourself up over it. Remember, in the end, neither you nor your husband can fix this. Only your daughter can.

Also, you might want to limit those nightly calls you accept from her. It will take some of the pressure off both of you. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.