Telling it like it is lands rankles man's wife and pal
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the April 20, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: My entire life, I've had the reputation of calling things as I see them. I can never remember being afraid to speak my mind. This style has always worked for me but lately it's causing me problems at work and on the home front.

About six months ago, a new policy came down at work, instructing all of us middle managers to start cracking down on sick time with the people we supervise. The first person I had to confront was a guy I have worked with and known socially for more than 20 years. To say it did not go well is an understatement.

I called Carl in to let him know I was giving him a written warning for sick time abuse. He looked at me like I had two heads. He said he could not believe I was doing this to him.

I told him it was a new policy and that he might as well get used to it because this was how it would be from now on. He left my office and went right to the union to file a grievance, which really irked me.

Later that day, I confronted him about the grievance. He told me he was within his rights to do so and we ended up in a screaming match that attracted a lot of attention. The next thing I knew, I was on the carpet for conduct unbecoming a manager.

When I went home that evening, I attempted to tell my wife what happened, because we are socially close to Carl and his wife. She sided with Carl. This caused a big argument at my house, so now I have a wife who is upset with me, a friend who is not talking to me and I am facing a discipline hearing myself.

I can't understand how doing my job has gotten me into so much trouble.-- Charlie

DEAR CHARLIE: There is nothing wrong with being known as someone who has an upfront style but you seem to have a problem with your delivery. You said this style has worked well throughout your life. It might be that you've been used to getting your own way with this style and haven't made any contingency plans for handling things when they don't.

Telling your friend Carl "to get used to what was happening" because it was the new policy doesn't sound very diplomatic.

But even worse is getting offended at him for filing a grievance because of the warning you gave him. He belongs to a union in order to protect his rights. For you, as a manager, to get upset because he is sticking up for his rights is totally wrong. Furthermore, getting into a screaming match with him speaks to your lack of management skills.

You need to look at the big picture here and realize that while your in-your-face style may have worked in the past, it can't be an excuse for trying to become a dictator at work or at home. I think you need to look at your style and think about apologizing to Carl and your wife because you are totally off base on this one, Charlie. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.