Doctor at fault in husband's treatment but irate wife should apologize
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the April 26, 2010 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: Recently, my husband, Bill, who never complains, woke up in what he described unbelievable pain. He described the pain as coming from his abdomen and asked me to call his doctor.

I explained my husband's symptoms to the doctor. He told me to have my husband take a couple of aspirin and he would be fine. He never even asked to speak to my husband. I was not happy but when I told Bill what the doctor said, he responded, "Well, he is the doctor."

For the next two days, I watched my husband suffer in severe pain until he could not take it any longer and I finally called an ambulance. He was admitted to the hospital immediately. It turned out Bill had a good-sized blockage in his system. Fortunately, it was resolved with medication and he was able to go home in two days.

When his doctor arrived at the hospital, he seemed upset and annoyed that he had been disturbed on the weekend. I tried to talk to him but he started to dismiss me as a worried wife. That did not sit well with me. I started to get very assertive with him and he turned and said that I should stick to doing housework and leave the doctoring to him. At this point, I admit I exploded. I proceeded to give him a piece of my mind -- along with a few non-ladylike adjectives -- and security escorted me from the hospital.

The problem now is that my husband is upset with me. The doctor sent my husband a note saying he will no longer treat him because of my behavior. This doctor works for an association of doctors and I want to contact the head of this association and explain my case. However, my husband says I have caused enough problems. Do you have any suggestions? -- Shannon

DEAR SHANNON: Let's look at the big picture here. The physician appears to have dismissed your husband's situation as minor without talking to him. It appears that he should have spoken to him directly. Taking your husband to the ER was the appropriate thing to do.

The physician's chauvinistic dismissal of you was totally uncalled for and he should be reported for that. He pushed your buttons and you exploded on him. That was not a good move on your part. I understand how your husband would be embarrassed by the situation. However, the doctor's refusal to treat your husband because of your actions is, I believe, uncalled for and could be unethical.

I would suggest that you first apologize to your husband for embarrassing him and let him know that you intend to write an apology to the doctor for your behavior. However, tell your husband that you are also going to write a letter to the head of his association to explain your side of the story and ask why the doctor is now refusing to treat him. Include a copy of your letter of apology with the correspondence to the director of the association.

I believe when cooler heads prevail that you and the doctor will see that you both hold some responsibility in this situation. The only person who is suffering any consequences is the patient, who did nothing to provoke the situation in the first place. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.