Pressure of raising son alone makes mom erupt at him
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the August 10, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I am a single mother of a beautiful 7-year-old boy who is the love of my life. Lately, I believe, my anger is putting this child at risk.

I work a lot of hours to make ends meet and to pay for day care. I have never really gone after my son's father for support because I really do not want him in his life.

I pick him up at day care around 6 p.m. every day. It seems that as soon as we get into the car he starts acting up. It almost seems as if he is intentionally trying to aggravate me. I will tell him not to do something and he will turn around and just defy me and do it anyway. He keeps doing this until I get very irritable and I start yelling at him. The funny thing is, the day-care provider claims he is her best-behaved child.

While I have not gotten physical with him yet, I have to admit I have thought of giving him a good beating and that I have said some pretty mean things to him when I am upset.

The other night when we got home, I told him to go into his room and play with his toys so I could get dinner ready for us. He asked me if he could eat the candy bar he received at day care earlier in the day and I told him he had to wait until after dinner. Well, when I went into his room about 30 minutes later, I could not believe my eyes. He had taken the candy bar, smashed it into pieces and rubbed it all over his toys, making a huge mess.

I started screaming at him, asking him what he did. He looked at me and said, "You only told me not to eat it. You didn't say I couldn't play with it."

I was so angry I turned to him and yelled, "I wish you had never been born.": He got very upset and started crying; I became very emotional and started crying and pleading with him to forgive me.

I do not want to do this again but I am at a loss as to what to do about my behavior. Do you have any suggestions? -- Karen

DEAR KAREN: The first thing you have to do is sit down and get your priorities straight. It sounds like you have a little boy who is screaming for attention. It also sounds like you are stressed to the max with guilt and overwhelmed by your entire situation.

You didn't say why you don't want your son's father involved in his life but it sure sounds like you could use some help raising this boy, at least financially. That's the first place to start: You need to get some financial assistance so that you do not have to work so many hours. Your son needs to be home with you and not spending all his time at day care.

I would also suggest professional counseling for you so you can learn to deal with your frustrations and stop taking them out on your son. Also remember, beating a child is only going to make matters worse.

I believe it is critical that you seek some help in these areas as quickly as possible. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.