At 27, son is too old to be irresponsible
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the August 31, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: My son, Steve, who is 27, still lives with us but that's a minor issue, compared to his behavior -- not at home, but outside.

At home, Steve is great. He helps out with chores, cuts the lawn, takes out the trash and does anything that we ask of him. On the other hand, we do not require him to pay any room or board, although from time to time he will come home with a bunch of groceries for the house. Steve does have a pretty good job as an auto body man and makes decent money.

It's his behavior outside the home that angers me so much. He has a tendency to break laws. For instance, he rides around with a suspended driver's license because he owes a lot of money in excise taxes. He rarely insures his car, which is fairly new. Even though he works in a garage, his inspection sticker is always behind its expiration date.

About two months ago, the police stopped him for an outdated sticker and towed the car. He had it towed to the garage where he works and they put a sticker on it right away. Why he was not arrested is beyond me; he says the officer gave him a break. To top off, he called me for a ride like it was no big deal. Unfortunately, being a softy, I went and picked him up. I tried talking to him but it is like talking to a wall.

I am at the point of having a big blow-up with him but I'm fearful that he will stop speaking to us and that would kill me. On the other hand, if he gets in a bad accident and hurts or kills someone and goes to jail, I will feel responsible.

Do you have any suggestions, because other than these things, Steve is a good kid. -- Jack

DEAR JACK: Let's look at the big picture here -- a 27-year-old man who has a job and lives at home, paying no room and board, is not a responsible adult. The rules of society that Steve is breaking do not qualify him as a "good kid." What he's doing is criminal.

Steve needs to learn responsibility and it should start with paying his own way. As far as no license and a car that is not insured, tell him that if this is how he chooses to ride around, you will no longer let him park that car at your home. If he does get into some really serious trouble, a lawyer could try to tie you into it somehow.

As soon as possible, explain the new rules of the house. Don't get upset. Just tell him like it is and leave it at that. If he chooses to stop talking to you, there is nothing you can do about it.

Remember, Steve is so irresponsible because you have allowed him to get away with it. It is time to stop now. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.