After 40 years, it's time to let go of grudge against schoolmate
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the July 19, 2010 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: When I was in school years ago, there was a guy who used to tease me and just drive me nuts. No matter what I did or said, he would not leave me alone. If I was in a crowd, he seemed to go out of his way to embarrass me as much as he could.

Several of my friends felt the same way about this guy. They did not like him either. The problem is this was almost 40 years ago and it still drives me nuts. This guy went on to be a very popular member of our community and is well liked by a lot of people. When I am out in public and his name comes up in conversation, it drives me crazy.

A few weeks ago, I was with some friends and this guy's name came up. I found myself getting so upset I that I wanted to scream. People were talking about what a great person he was and all I could think about was how much he tortured me in my school years. I tried to tell these people that and all I got was, "You have to let it go." Well, it's not that easy to let go.

I know it might seem silly to hold a grudge for almost 40 years, but it is still as fresh in my head as if it were yesterday.

I see this guy in public from time to time. I have not had any interaction with him since my school days but it still bothers me.

I feel that I am justified with my dislike for this guy. Is it silly and stupid to be angry with someone this long? -- Eileen

DEAR EILEEN: First of all, you should never have to justify your anger; if something angers you it is justified.

The thing you have to examine here is your response to that anger: It is time to let it go.

At this point, the only one it is hurting is you. I guarantee you the other person doesn't even realize it.

We all do things when we are younger that are immature and mean. Thankfully, we grow up and realize that it has to stop because we are causing pain to others. On the other hand, I understand what you are saying about it being tough to drop your anger after not having done anything with it for all these years.

A couple of suggestions I will make here: You can approach this person and talk to him about how you feel or you can write him a letter with your feelings.

If you do not want to do either of those things, maybe you could use the journaling method -- writing it all down on paper, getting as emotional as you feel you need to and pouring it all out. Then put it aside. A few days later, pull it out and read it. See if you still need to approach this person or if writing out your anger was enough to stop you from internalizing it. The bottom line is you have to bring your anger to the surface in order to put in the past, where it belongs. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.