A simple timeout may help to quiet out-of-control anger
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the December 1, 2008 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I have had a problem my entire life with loss of control. When I get upset, I seem to act on pure impulse, without any thought whatsoever.

Over the years, I have done a lot of damage to property because of the problem, although I can honestly say that I have never gotten physically out of control with another person. However, when I look at the damage I have done to objects when I have lost control, it scares me to think about how badly I could hurt someone.

The other day, my wife and I were arguing about something and I started to get frustrated because she did not see it my way. The next thing you know, I am in full-blown anger and punching the door frame, not once but twice. I badly bruised my knuckles.

This isn't the first time I have hurt myself physically because of my anger. I can deal with the pain but it is starting to scare me. As you can imagine, this scares my wife and, after it is over, I am full of remorse.

I don't want to be like this any longer. Is there any advice you can give me to help me control myself when I get upset? -- Charlie

DEAR CHARLIE: Well, Charlie, I admire you for recognizing the problem. You're right -- if you don't do something, it is only a matter of time before you do find out how much you can hurt another human being.

The problem is you have conditioned yourself to react immediately when something angers you. This has become your automatic defense system. We all develop defense systems to help us deal with things that are unpleasant to us. It's similar to your immune system, which protects you physically. The problem is your defense system is programmed to strike back immediately before you look at what is really going on in the situation.

You need to look at the big picture and figure out what exactly is upsetting you. To do that, you need to use some time management. That means putting some distance between what is happening and your reaction. When you step back even for a few seconds and look at what is going on, it does two things. First, it gives you a little time to let your adrenaline calm down. Second, it gives you time to assess the situation and think about what is really upsetting you.

Many times, heated arguments are not over what the other person is saying but how he is saying it. If this is the case, you need to argue the point about the delivery, not the content. This puts you and the person you are arguing with on the same page. It also allows you to respond to the correct problem. Combining this with stopping to think about the best response that meets your needs will allow you to do it more calmly.

Remember, the more information you have about a situation the better you are at solving it. So before you blow up, make sure to figure out what exactly upset you in the first place. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.