Mother erupts in frustration over cool relationship with daughter
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the December 8, 2008 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: For almost 22 years, I have been trying to restore a broken relationship with my daughter. When I was a young (divorced) mother, I made a lot of mistakes and poor decisions. Back in those days, I was immature and selfish and did not have any kind of support system.

Over the years, my daughter and her husband blessed me with five beautiful grandchildren. When the grandchildren started arriving, I helped out with baby-sitting or anything else they needed me for. I have been more than happy to be there for them.

However, I have always felt that "a wall" existed between us. Many times I have tried to talk or write letters to resolve this rift between us. It would seem to work for a while but then it would fade and that wall would reappear.

Since the grandchildren are now grown and my daughter does not need me any longer, that wall seems to have reappeared, even stronger now than ever. When the rejection comes, I tend to get very angry; I respond without thinking and say things I later regret. It seems I have been apologizing all my life for things that I have said in anger. I keep telling myself it will not happen again yet it keeps happening.

Not a day passes that I don't think about missing out on a good relationship with my daughter because of my impulsive behavior. The holidays are coming and all I can think of is how other families will spend time together, hugging and loving each other, while I sit alone without that love of my daughter. -- Hope

DEAR HOPE: The six most common things that cause our anger are frustration, disappointment, hurt, confusion, annoyance, and harassment. The six make up what we call the anger cycle. In this cycle, one of the six is the circuit breaker that triggers our breaking point. It sounds like your breaking point is hurt. This is the place that you get to just before you lose it and respond in a way that you later regret.

I would suggest that you look at your anger cycle and figure out which of the other 5 comes just before you get to hurt. That would be the feeling that you get because of the rejection -- probably disappointment -- which will tell you that the next step is going to be hurt, a place you can't afford to go.

When you find yourself arriving at the hurt stage you need to do something like step away from the situation and look at it from a different angle before you respond in a negative manner.

Remember, you cannot control how someone else is going to feel or react, but stopping your negative response will send a message that you are trying to change and look at things a little differently. I believe if you do this for a while, you will find that your daughter will be more open to talking about things with you. At this point, she is conditioned to your impulsive negative response anytime you get disappointed, so she sees no need to talk about anything because she does not see things changing at this point.

Remember the old saying, "A picture is worth a thousand words." Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.