Holiday get-together turns into drunken brawl
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the December 14, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I am writing because the holidays are upon us again and that puts me in the stress and anger mode. It is not because of the obvious stressors that everyone goes through; it is because the holidays mean that my crazy family gets together and that spells trouble.

The tradition is the night before the holiday we all gather at my sister-in-law's house for a meal. Every year, after the meal, all the men leave the table and gather in the living room and leave the mess for the women to clean up. That used to bother me, however, over the years I have gotten used to that. What I have not gotten used to are the huge arguments that come from the men, as they sit around and drink. It usually starts out pretty civil, however, the more they drink the worse it gets.

It always seems to climax when someone takes a swing at somebody and a brawl breaks out. That is when my brother-in-law (who is one of the worst offenders) jumps up and orders everyone from the house. For years it was my husband who would be either taking the punch or throwing it, however, he has stopped drinking so now he holds it in and takes it out on me when we get home.

I can't tell you how many times I have sworn that I will never attend another one of these gatherings. My husband, on the other hand, tells me I am unreasonable and that I should just bite my tongue and stop letting it bother me. My question is -- do I have a right to be angry or should I just bite my tongue as my husband says? -- Patricia

DEAR PATRICIA: Your husband is the one who should be biting his tongue, along with all the drunks who are ruining the holiday with their drunken arguments.

The answer to your question is yes. You certainly have the right to get angry and your husband is way off base here. First of all, there is no excuse for the verbal abuse he subjects you too. Second of all, he may have stopped physically putting alcohol into his body, however, it sounds like he needs to go to a self-help group or talk to a counselor, as he is still acting in an alcoholic fashion.

I would suggest that you sit down with your husband and let him know -- in no uncertain terms -- that you are done with being his verbal punching bag. Let him know that if he doesn't agree, you will definitely not be going to the family function and that he can explain to your relatives why. Secondly, tell him if you do attend, that you expect to leave if and when the arguing starts -- with no questions asked. There is no reason that you need to subject yourself to this every year.

I would also suggest that you talk to your sister-in-law and some of the other women and find out what their take is on this situation. I don't imagine that they enjoy listening to the men yell and scream at each other. If all of you agree then you should band together and tell the men that the party will be off if it continues. Remember -- there is strength in numbers. Good Luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.