When anger is waged at home, no one wins
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the December 15, 2008 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I am writing about an anger situation in my home that involves my husband. I have been after him for years to get help for his anger. Unfortunately he does not think he has a problem, he thinks everyone is making a mountain out of a molehill. I love this man, but he is one of the most negative people I have ever met.

I have gone to counseling to help me deal with issues and it has helped somewhat, but the biggest problem is that he will swear up and down that he is going to seek help and make an appointment the next day, but the next day never comes. This is a man who used to be not only my husband but also my best friend, someone I really enjoyed being with all the time. It has gotten to the point that last year I ended up visiting a lawyer to explore my options, as I cannot take it any longer.

We have been together over 25 years and have two beautiful children ages 13 and 17 and I am worried about the negative impact he is having on their lives. Thanksgiving morning my 17-year-old son pulled into the driveway (a little faster than he should have); my husband ran over to the car and started yelling at him and the next thing I know he slaps him across the face, all while the car was still running. My son's reaction was to slap him back while my 13 year-old and my niece were in the back seat. My sister told me if he does not get help she will report the incident to DSS. I do not want to get them involved.

I met with the kids after the incident and told them that their father's behavior is unacceptable and that he cannot continue acting like this and remain here. My 17-year-old does not agree. He thinks making Dad leave will make things worse. My father acted similar and my mother put up with it for years. I do not want to live a life like my mother. -- Grace

DEAR GRACE: Well, you are on the right road. I realize separation is not easy and your 17-year-old sees it as making it worse. However, if Dad does not take responsibility for his actions, you have no choice.

You have an obligation to your children and yourself to keep all of you safe. The way your husband is acting is going to get someone hurt . This type of behavior never just goes away like a common cold. It can be helped, but it will take some serious action on his part. Counseling is definitely needed. Your husband has to learn how to get angry and how to respond to his emotions. He lets anger bottle up and explode with no idea where it comes from. He just strikes out at everyone and everything.

I would suggest giving him a deadline to seek help and let him know if he doesn't do so by the deadline you will take the steps to have him removed from the home. The children may get upset at first but eventually they will see you had no choice. You have to let him know that you are willing to support him, but only if he seeks help. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.