Not-so-retired guy backs out of promise to spend time with his wife
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the December 21, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I'm angry with myself and am not sure what to do about it. My wife and I worked hard all our lives with the goal of retiring and spending quality time together.

We enjoyed bringing up our children, even though it was hectic, bringing them to baseball games, recitals and other activities and making sure they had all the things they needed in life. We talked about how great it would be to take care of just each other, attend to our needs and enjoy life.

Well, that time has come. We both recently retired and started planning things to do together. Then, a friend approached me about taking a part-time job at his company doing product development, something I have always wanted to try.

Before I retired, I had a job in upper management and I never got to use my creative skills, so this seemed like a fun thing to do. My wife was reluctant at first but being the wonderful wife she is, she gave in to my working part-time, which was only supposed to be 15 hours a week.

You think I would be content with this but it wasn't long before part-time developed into full-time. Now, it's full-time- plus because I have gotten involved in this business more than I had ever dreamed.

Needless to say, my wife is not happy with the situation, since she is stuck at home retired and I am out working all kinds of crazy hours. My dilemma is that I am afraid to tell my friend because he seems to be dependent on my work and his company is doing much better with me there.

I am so angry at myself for letting things get to this point. However, as much as I want to make it good for my wife and me, I don't want to disappoint my friend. Do you have any suggestions? -- Dave

DEAR DAVE: I can understand why you're angry with yourself, because, honestly, you have no one else to blame here but yourself. I think you need to look at what you are doing with your life and what your priorities are.

You need to ask yourself if you enjoy the challenge of the new job or if you are actually afraid to retire. That may sound silly but many people who get to retirement age find that they may be ready financially but aren't ready mentally.

You say you're afraid to disappoint your friend. How about the disappointment that lady you have been making plans with all these years is experiencing? Put yourself in her shoes -- think about how you would feel if she had done this to you.

I think what you need to do is sit down with your friend and let him know that you need to go back to the original part-time arrangement. Let him know that this full-time arrangement is taking too much out of your personal life.

Remember, you only have so much quality time to spend with that wonderful wife of yours. Don't waste it making someone else rich. Then you can stop being angry with yourself. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.