Dad's New Year's resolutions just make family miserable
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the December 28, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: It's that time of year again, when my anger starts to build until it finally goes through the roof.

Unlike a lot of people, it really has nothing to do with all the stress of shopping, entertaining guests, cooking meals and getting the house ready. Actually, I love all that stuff and I look forward to all the people coming over whom we haven't seen all year.

No, my stress is over New Year's Eve, because it means my husband, Jim, will be making his usual New Year's resolutions again.

For as many years as I can recall, we have gone out with friends on New Year's Eve and when Jim gets to a certain stage with the beer he is drinking, he publicly declares his resolutions. Now, Jim can't just say what he intends to give up like everyone else -- he has to go around the entire party and scream it out like he is challenging people to tell him he can't do it. Every once in a while, someone will challenge his intentions and all hell breaks loose, with Jim wanting to fight the person by the time it is over.

That's not the worst part. That comes later, when he is trying to fulfill whatever the resolution was, like quitting smoking or drinking, or going on a diet. That's the part where the kids and I suffer because he's guaranteed to be miserable throughout the process and, when he fails, it will be our fault.

The kids, who are 18 and 20, have had it. Both of them said this is the last year they are putting up with it. And both said that if Dad does it again they are moving out.

I don't want my kids to move out and I don't want to go through it again but I can't figure out what to do about it. This has me so angry that I cannot sleep at night. -- Beverly

DEAR BEVERLY: Well, first of all, if your husband is ready to get into fistfights over making New Year's resolutions, it sounds like he needs some serious counseling for his alcohol abuse. You and your children might be wise to consider attending an Al-Anon meeting or some other type of support group.

He needs to look at the big picture and realize making changes in his life involves a lot more than making hollow promises to himself and others. Setting goals that are not attainable is only setting him up for failure. He needs to set small, attainable goals and then enjoy the victory when it happens. Then and only then can he move on.

In the meantime, you and your children should sit down and put together a plan to confront Dad before New Year's arrives. Let him know that all of you have had enough of his behavior. Tell him that you are not going to put up with it any longer. You personally should tell him if he intends on doing it again this year that you will not accompany him to any New Year's Eve celebration.

Your anger is justified. Now you need to do something about it. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.