It's time for general to stand down with his children
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the December 29, 2008 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I have been married for almost 35 years and have been blessed with three wonderful children who are now adults. I met my husband while he was in the military academy. After graduation, he went on to a 30-year career, achieving the rank of general.

Like most career military personnel, he spent a lot of time away from his family, so I was left with the job of raising our three children on my own. It was difficult but I like to think I did a fairly good job.

The problem is that things have really changed since my husband, Bob, retired. He seems to be trying to make up for lost time. Even though they are grown, he seems intent on destroying all the values I have instilled in them over the years.

I always taught the children to be kind and courteous to people even if they did not agree with them. Bob "The General" subscribes to the rule of "Tell people what you need or want and don't worry about hurting feelings."

I tried to talk to him when he first came out of the service about imposing that all-or-nothing military view on the kids but he just says, "You have been coddling these kids for years. It's about time someone showed them how life really is."

The other day, my son Charlie was talking to his father about how he thought his boss was taking advantage of him and not paying what he was really worth. Bob advised him to go to work the next day and tell his boss, "Either I get a raise or I am out of here." Well, Charlie did just that and he was fired on the spot. Now my husband is trying to convince him to sue the company for wrongful termination.

I am having a hard time standing by and watching while my husband totally destroys everything I have taught these children over the years but I do not want to alienate my kids. Do you have any suggestions on how I should vent my anger in this situation? -- Stephanie

DEAR STEPHANIE: It sure sounds like your husband is trying to make up for time he missed with the kids because of his career choice.

The first thing you should do is ask your husband to give you 30 minutes to present your case. Point out that, left alone to deal with these kids because he could not be there, you did the best job possible. Let him know that all you taught them was what you believed in and what would make them good solid adults.

Then point out that you do not think it is fair for him to step in after all this time and tear apart all you have done. Tell him you will have the same conversation with your children and that he is invited to listen and, at the end, give his opinion. Then you will let the children make up their own minds.

Let him know you want to do this with him rather than separately but if he is not willing, then you will do it on your own. This will allow you to release your anger so you do not internalize it.

I really believe the children will see it your way; after all, it was you who taught them in those formative years. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.