Writing about anger helps create calm
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the February 1, 2010 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: For years, I have had a huge problem with expressing my anger and now, at the age of 27, it is really getting to me. People have always looked at me as someone who could handle anything; in fact, I have had friends call me for advice when something was bothering them.

As sad as it may seem, I would do my best to offer them advice on how they should be responding to a particular situation, all the time knowing I could not personally respond that way.

When someone does something that angers me, I actually respond in two different ways. On the public side (in front of others), I act as if the situation does not upset me at all. On the private side (when I am alone), I go crazy. I have done things like smash my own windshield, kick dents in my car, break things that I cherish.

Last week one of my friends did something that upset me very much. When she approached me about it, I said, "It's not a problem. Don't worry about it." In response, she said, "I don't know how you are able to be so understanding."

Later, I went home and trashed my entire apartment in a rage because I was so upset.

This is causing big problems in my life. I can't hold on to relationships. If a person does something to me, I tell him it isn't a problem and then make excuses for not seeing him anymore because I'm afraid I will say something to upset him.

I can't hold this charade together much longer, but I have no idea how to stop. Can you help me? -- Megan

DEAR MEGAN: The first thing you have to do is understand what you are doing -- imploding your anger. People who implode their anger do so by holding it in, causing huge problems. You can only hold it in for so long before you have to let it out. When it does, it's in the form of rage, making you strike out at anyone or anything around you.

You seem to have developed a way of holding things in until you are safely at home or in a place where no one can witness your reaction -- thus, the destroying of personal property.

Start by trying to journal your angry thoughts. When you go home after someone angers you, instead of smashing things, take out a note pad and write down those thoughts. Write down exactly how you feel. Don't hold back. Bring all that anger to the surface on paper.

When you are done, I think you will find yourself feeling a sense of relief. Put the notebook away. Later, go back and reread it and you will see how much energy you put into this problem. After you read it a few times, you can start to put together a plan on how to approach this person to solve the problem in a rational way.

This method will take some time to perfect, but it is a way for you to stop internalizing your anger and working on a way to approach these problems. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.