Husband's reluctance to stand up for himself is his choice to make
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the February 8, 2010 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: My husband and I are having heated discussions on how I express myself when something bothers me.

Paul is a great guy and everyone who meets him loves him. However, he is extremely passive when it comes to speaking his mind. His contention is that contradicting people or disagreeing with them is rude and hurts their feelings.

For instance, if we go to a restaurant and the meal he orders is not prepared properly, he will just eat it and keep quiet. In the meantime, his body language tells you he is very dissatisfied. He says the waitress is not at fault because she did not prepare the meal and that complaining about it will just get her upset or in trouble.

I tried to tell him that the owner or management of the restaurant wants people to let the wait staff know when things are not prepared correctly because they want their customers to be happy and that no one gets in trouble.

I have no problem asking the waitress to please take the food back and bring me what I had ordered. He claims I am embarrassing him and that I am rude and obnoxious.

I cringe when people call or come to the house trying to sell something. If they get to Paul without me there, we end up owning something that we probably don't need or even want because he is scared to death to say no.

The ironic thing is Paul's father was a guy who had no problem slamming the door is someone's face if he were trying to sell something.

How can I convince my husband that speaking up for yourself in a polite way is not a bad thing? -- Darlene

DEAR DARLENE: You are entitled to your opinion about your husband's passive behavior. Paul seems to have his own opinion about it. He believes he is just being polite. Again, he is also entitled to his opinion.

When he orders a meal in a restaurant and it's not done to his satisfaction, then it is his responsibility to speak up or live with it. The fact that you think or even know it is not done the way he wants it doesn't matter because he is the one who has to put up with it.

Now when it comes to something that will affect both of you or the entire family, that's a different story. You are then entitled to speak up. Perhaps you and your husband should make a pact that you'll discuss decisions that affect you both in private. That gives you a chance to express your opinion and doesn't make him feel like he is being embarrassed.

You mention that your father-in-law had no problem slamming the door in someone's face. The memories of that type of behavior could definitely be having an effect on your husband's present behavior. Suggesting he take a course in assertiveness would be a step in the right direction. Best of luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.