Baby shouldn't be exposed to grandfather's rude behavior
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the February 15, 2010 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: My husband Dan and I have a huge problem involving my father that just seems to be getting worse.

My father has always been rather rude and outspoken, with a tendency to say some pretty mean things.

My mother is just the opposite. She is kind, pleasant and would never say a harsh word. However, she constantly makes excuses for my father, saying "Oh, well, that's just the way he is. He doesn't mean it."

In a way, she is right. My father is rough on the outside but a cuddly teddy bear on the inside. He has always been kind to me. He does put me down a lot, but he does that to women in general. My mother tells me he has been calling her names for years but she knows he loves her.

When Dan and I met, it did not go over too well at first, mainly because I'm Catholic and Dan is Jewish. Some of my father's remarks were pretty harsh. However, he calmed down after a while because he saw how much I loved Dan and Dan has learned to get along with him pretty well.

Now I am pregnant and Dan says he does not want our child to be exposed to my father's remarks and rudeness. My father is not helping the situation by saying he can't wait until his grandson is born -- we already know it is a boy -- so he can teach him to be tough.

Dan is pretty firm about what he wants and this is causing a huge problem in our house. I love my father and don't want to deny him access to his grandson but at the same time I don't want to lose my husband. Can you help me? -- Amy

DEAR AMY: I have to tell you that you and your mother have become co-dependent and that's why you have put up with your father's bad behavior over the years. Your father is a rude and obnoxious person who has gotten away with this because people have let him get away with it.

Your husband is right in not wanting the baby to be subjected to this kind of behavior. You said your father calmed down after a while when it can to Dan. I disagree. I think this rude man finally realized that you were staying with Dan and he had better find a way to deal with him so as not to lose you. It seems that your husband, on the other hand, was just putting up with him because of his love for you.

I think the only thing you can do is sit down with your father and mother and tell Dad straight out that you will not under any circumstances expose your son to his outspokenness and rudeness. Tell him if he does not change or at least put it in check when he is around your son, he will not be seeing him.

In this situation, you need to put your son first and your father needs to finally look at his behavior. It might also be a good suggestion for your father to look into counseling of some type. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.