Uncle can't intervene with out-of-control niece
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the February 16, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: My 15-year-old niece, Karen, has had problems with drugs for a few years now; her parents cannot seem to do anything with her. She tends to get very abusive toward them, both verbally and physically. When Karen was 13, she actually assaulted her mother to the point her mother had to go to the hospital for treatment. Now she has taken up with this 18-year-old guy she calls her boyfriend but I think he is just her dealer.

The other night my brother called, telling me Karen had come home with her boyfriend and both of them seemed high as kites. She said she was going to spend the night with her boyfriend and when my brother objected, the boyfriend threatened to beat him up. My brother did not know what to do so he gave in, saying he did not want to cause a scene.

My brother and his wife have been trying for years to get Karen under control and it seems the more they do the worse it gets. She has stolen money from them, run up huge bills on their credit cards and is the reason they're on the brink of bankruptcy.

I want very badly to confront my niece and this boyfriend and put them in their place. My brother and his wife are afraid that would cause more problems. Do you have any suggestions? I can't sit by idly and let these two run over my brother and sister-in-law. -- Ralph

DEAR RALPH: First of all you have to realize what your role is and isn't here. As the uncle, it's pretty limited legally. You certainly can express your opinion about the situation but as far as taking action on your own, it can only lead to trouble.

What I would do, however, is suggest to your brother and sister-in-law that they approach the courts and file for a CHINS (Child In Need Of Services). This is an order given by the court for children under 18 who are truant from school, running away, continually disobeying parents or guardians. They should also inform the court about this 18-year-old boyfriend; the court might be able to issue a restraining order to keep him away from her.

Other than that and being supportive of your brother and sister-in-law, you are pretty much limited. If you were to get into some sort of confrontation, you would risk that possibility of being arrested for a domestic incident and that would not help anyone.

Also, look around the family and see if there is anyone in the family or close to it who may have some sort of relationship with your niece, someone who might be able to talk her into seeking some counseling, because it seems like this young lady has a lot of issues.

Remember, it is OK to become angry over the situation but you have to be aware of your response to this anger. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.