Wife draws the line on husband's misdirected anger
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the February 23, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I am writing because I am having a problem with my rage and it is starting to scare me. I have always gone off the handle for the littlest of things, only later to realize that whatever set me off was no big thing.

I usually go off on people who are close to me but not necessarily the people I am upset with. My wife and children have grown accustomed to it and until lately it did not seem to be a big deal to them.

Lately, however, my explosions have been getting far more violent, although I am not physically violent, just verbally violent. Last week, however, I had an argument with a guy at work (someone I have had a testy relationship with at best) and he really got to me.

Unfortunately I did not say anything to him. But when I got home, I really took it out on my wife and kids. It started out as just venting but when my wife told me that I needed to leave the work stuff at work, I just exploded. I ended up saying some pretty rotten things to her and the kids and walking out of the house. To make matters worse, I punched a large hole in the wall, breaking my hand.

I left the house and went to the emergency room to have my hand tended to and told the people at the hospital that I did it working on a project in my cellar. After leaving the hospital, I went to my brother's house to call my wife, only to learn that she had called the cops and was getting a restraining order to prevent me from going home.

I feel really bad but I did not intend to hurt my wife or children. I was just venting. I want to be able to go home but I am not sure how to convince my wife that I will not do this again. -- Stanley

DEAR STANLEY: One of the biggest problems I find with people trying to deal with their improper response to anger is directing it at the wrong person. More often than not, that person ends up being someone close, like family. That's because no matter what their response will be, we are familiar with it, so it feels safe. On the other hand, we are not sure what the response will be from the person who actually caused our anger in the first place.

First, you need to realize that only the person who caused your anger can do anything to change it, so it is imperative that you approach him about it.

As far as your wife getting a restraining order to prevent you from coming home, I believe you left her with no choice. By your own admission, you have been doing this for years and although you have not been physically violent up until now, it is only a matter of time before someone gets seriously hurt.

You need to find yourself a counselor who specializes in anger management, start working on getting your response to anger under control and show your wife by your actions that you are working toward change. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.