Teen must learn to deal with anger when she feels it
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the January 4, 2010 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I am 18 years old and have been a sort of a quiet person most of my life. I have a problem mixing in with others because I am not always sure how to interact with them.

When someone or something upsets me, I tend not to say anything at the time. I just kind of stuff my feelings. This is partly because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and partly because my mother has always told me that no one likes an angry person. However, at a completely unexpected time, all my rage will come out and I take it out on the wrong person -- usually someone in my family, even if they had nothing to do with it.

About three months ago, a friend set me up on a date with this guy she knew. The guy turned out to be a complete jerk. From the time I got into his car until he finally took me home, he did nothing but maul me and act completely inappropriately.

I later found out from other friends that the person who set me up with this date knew this guy was a jerk. I was furious with her but when I ran into her I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Sometime later, my mother mentioned something about me dating and I blew up at her.

Needless to say, my mother became very upset with me and I can't bring myself to tell her why I was really upset. Is something wrong with me? Why do I continue to do this to the people I love? -- Jackie

DEAR JACKIE: When people handle anger inappropriately, they usually do so in one of two ways -- either by imploding or exploding. Exploders move from anger into rage quickly. They often become irrational and cause harm to themselves and those around them. Their anger is in the rage of the moment. They don't know how to look at the big picture.

Imploders stuff their anger. These people hold their anger for long periods of time because of fear, insecurity and or low self-esteem. Initially, it appears to cause little harm. However, they cannot hold it in forever; they must let it out.

It is only a matter of time before the imploder becomes an exploder, usually at someone who has nothing to do with the original problem. Many times, family members bear the brunt of this because we are comfortable with them. You sound like someone who implodes her anger. Being told your entire life that no one likes an angry person has not helped the situation.

What you need to do when something bothers you is either talk to someone you can trust about the problem or journal it out and go back and read it. After that, ask yourself what exactly upset you about the situation and devise a way to confront the person or persons who caused it. Getting a second opinion from someone you trust can be a big help. Maybe those family members you have been taking things out on would be a good resource. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.