Brothers' bitter rivalry threatens relationship with parents
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the January 5, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I have been dealing with the same problem for the past 28 years: my two sons, Paul and Peter, and their anger toward each other.

They're only 11 months apart in age and I have been dealing with their fighting and anger toward each other for as long as I can recall.

When they were just toddlers, it would be fighting over toys or who was going to get this or that. As they grew up and went to school, it was competition in school and with friends. Because they were so close in age, they had a lot of the same friends.

When it came time to put them into baseball we thought it would be a good idea if they were on the same team. Well, that was a big mistake. The coach had one of them pitching and one of them catching and he would spend half the game between the pitcher's mound and home plate breaking up fights between them.

It continued as they went into high school and then college -- although, thank goodness, they went to different colleges.

They both graduated and became lawyers like their father but he did not offer either a job because he was afraid it would ruin his practice. They even fought at each other's weddings.

The topping on the cake was this past Christmas, when they came over with their families. After a few drinks, the boys got into an argument that turned violent and we had to call 911. The police showed up and arrested both of them, and now they are suing each other.

I do not know what to do; my husband swears he will not let either one of them into the house until they get some help, like counseling. These are my only two children. I do not want to lose them. -- Amy

DEAR AMY: Well, I have to agree with your husband. These men need to start acting like men and put this childish behavior behind them. They both have families now and they need to look at what message they are sending to their children. It must have been quite a shock for these children to see their father and uncle hauled off by the police.

Write each of them a letter explaining that, although you love them very much, until they learn how to behave around each other, they will not be able to come to your home together. Let them know that if they want to visit they must make an appointment so they do not show up at the same time. Tell them in no uncertain terms they are not allowed to just pop in to visit.

Let them know that you are very hurt by their behavior and that you and your husband expect a full apology for their actions.

And tell them that if they really want to make amends to you and your husband, they should both get into some kind of counseling. Let them know that you and your husband are willing to participate (there could be some issues with both of you) but only if they are sincere.

And finally, tell them to grow up and drop the foolish lawsuits against each other. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.