Nonchalant boyfriend driving woman to distraction
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the January 11, 2010 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I am writing because of my frustration with my boyfriend, Jeff. We have been dating for about two years and the one thing that really bothers me is his lack of initiative. He will walk over something rather than pick it up. I can't say that he's lazy, because if I ask him to pick it up he will respond, "Sure no problem".

This is true of everything in his life and it's really starting to get to me. If I want to get romantic, I have to be the aggressor or it does not happen. At first, this was not a real issue but the longer we go together the worse it gets and now it's making me explode at him.

We're in the process of buying a condo, which requires us to produce a lot of documentation for the bank and the real estate agent. A good amount of this information has to come directly from Jeff. However, his lackluster attitude is causing a big problem with the bank and others.

The other day, the agent called and left a message that he needed certain documents from Jeff's employer. I called Jeff at work and told him what he needed and that the agent needed these things in two days. Jeff responded that he would get them. Well, two days later the agent called back and said that if he didn't have the stuff by the next morning we would lose our chance to buy this condo.

When I asked Jeff why he hadn't gotten the papers, he simply said, "I forgot." We got into a real screaming match with me calling him stupid and telling him that if he didn't get his act together we would be done.

I love this man dearly and do not want to lose him. How can I get control of him and have him do the right thing before it is too late? -- Patricia

DEAR PATRICIA: Rule number one in anger management is "Looking at the Big Picture," so let's do that. What is it that you want? Do you want Jeff to become more responsible or do you want to control him? That's what you must answer for yourself.

If it is getting him to become more responsible, then he'll have to learn that on his own. You can help by letting him suffer the consequences of his actions or, in this case, his lack of action. Many times, the only way we learn is from our mistakes and being forced to look at what our actions have cost us.

You can certainly set boundaries as to what you are willing to put up with but, at some point, you need to let it go. If you don't let it go, it will only succeed in driving you crazy and will do nothing for your boyfriend.

As far as controlling him, I am a firm believer that no person should control another because it is never good. People who feel controlled will eventually revolt and turn against you.

The best advice I can give you is to set your boundaries, let Jeff know what they are and see what happens. Getting yourself all upset and angry will only cause you stress and aggravation. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.