Girl has conflicted feelings about meeting jailed dad
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the January 18, 2010 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: My biological father has been in jail for the past 10 years and will be released soon. As he puts it, he "wants to start being a father" to me. For the first five years he was away, I was not allowed to write him. However, after constantly pleading with my mother, I have been allowed to write for the past five years.

She used to tell me that I would be better off not having any contact with him. That confused me because I was not sure why he was in jail and she would never tell me.

She finally told me he went to jail for attempted murder and she was the victim. She told me that one night when I was asleep, he came home drunk and started to beat her. He ended up putting a gun to her head and threatening to shoot her before the police broke the door down and arrested him.

When she first told me this I thought she was making it up because she did not want me to write to him or get involved with him. After writing to him for a while, I found out through other relatives that everything my mother said was true.

I did not want to confront my father about this while he was in jail because I was afraid he would take it the wrong way. Now that he is getting out, I find myself resenting him for what he did. The closer his release time gets, the more angry I become. Part of me wants to see him and get to know him but another part of me is angry with him and wants to ask him why and tell him off.

My mother has given me a wonderful life and treats me like gold. I feel that by meeting him I am letting her down. I am not sure what to do and I'm very confused. Do you have any advice for me? -- Nancy

DEAR NANCY: First of all, your anger toward your father is justified. What he did was wrong and that is why he went to jail for 10 years. Your curiosity about meeting him and finding out about him are also very normal.

I sense you are feeling some sort of guilt or betrayal toward your mother for your feelings. Perhaps the first thing you should do is sit down with mom and let her know how you are feeling. Let her know you feel a need to find out for yourself about this guy who calls himself your father. At the same time, ask for her help in how to approach this situation. I am sure she will be willing to help you and, in fact, will probably be pleased that you thought enough of her to ask for help.

Then, put together a list of questions to ask him when you meet. Be respectful but don't sugar-coat the questions. Let him know that the first time you meet him, you want an adult with you, preferably an adult male rather than your mother.

This will allow you to find out for yourself if this is someone you want to have a relationship with. Remember, it has been 10 years, so don't look for overnight results. Take your time. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.