Grandma at wit's end because daughter lets twins run riot
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the January 25, 2010 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I am a 57-year-old grandmother who has been blessed with twin grandchildren, a boy and a girl. They are 5 years old and I love them to death.

The problem is not with them so much as with my daughter and son-in-law and their lax way of disciplining these children. I was able to retire a couple of years ago and I agreed to do day care for the twins so my daughter could go back to work. Before that, I had spent time with them on weekend visits and such, but nowhere near the all-day contact I have with them now, so I always thought they were pretty well-behaved.

What I shock I got when I started to interact with them on a daily basis. These kids had the run of the house and seemed to do just about anything they pleased.

Well, I didn't bring my kids up that way and I was not about to start doing it with these two. I started to set down rules. At first, I ran into resistance, as I expected I would, but eventually they came around.

The real problem is my daughter and son-in-law, who insist that I should be more lenient and talk to them more instead giving them time-outs. I tried to explain to my daughter that you shouldn't negotiate with kids this age. However, she does not see it that way.

The kids have adjusted. However, the problem comes on Mondays after they are with their parents for the entire weekend. It's like I have to start training all over again.

The discussions with my daughter and son-in-law are getting more and more intense. My husband says that maybe I should lighten up for the sake of us being able to have access to the kids. I feel very strongly about this but I don't want to drive my daughter and the kids away. Do you have any suggestions and do you think I am being too strict? -- Sally

DEAR SALLY: Personally, I do not feel you are being too strict, based on what you have written. Of course, I am from the "Spare the rod spoil the child" generation. However, your daughter and son-in-law are still the parents and it is their responsibility to raise their children as they see fit.

On the other hand, that does not mean you have to stand by and watch these children run around and do what they please, especially when you are charged with their care.

I would suggest that you have a long talk with your daughter and son-in-law to see if you can set up some rules for the children's behavior. While it is not the best situation, you may have to compromise and set rules for when they are with grandma and other rules for at home. This could become confusing for the children but it may be the only way to go. The other alternative is to suggest they get someone else to do the day care.

In any case, you cannot continue, because that built-up anger will only cause further problems with your daughter and could also cause problems between you and your husband. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.