It's time to stop enabling sister's gambling addiction
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the July 5, 2010 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I am writing out of anger and pure frustration with my younger sister, whom I love but dislike right now. Michelle is 36 years old, the mother of three beautiful children and has a charming and wonderful husband who happens to be a very successful businessman.

A few years ago, I found out accidentally that Michelle had developed a very bad gambling problem with scratch tickets. A mutual friend happened to mention that Michelle had borrowed a couple of hundred dollars from her several times and she was getting nervous about getting paid back. I assumed she thought I knew.

At first, Michelle denied everything but later broke down and admitted she was playing scratch tickets and had borrowed money. I foolishly gave her the money to pay off the friend with the stipulation that she stop playing the tickets and pay me back a little at a time, which she did. She also begged me not to tell her husband and I agreed.

Since then, I have been bailing her out left and right. Now, I am finding out she has the household finances in a complete mess, with threats that utilities will be shut off and cars repossessed. The other day, she asked if I knew of any people who lent money because she needed cash and could not go to a bank. This scared me to death because I assumed she meant loan sharks.

I know I promised her I would keep her secret but this is getting out of hand. I am scared she will get in so deep she won't be able to get out and she will get hurt or do something desperate. Do you have any suggestions? -- Susan

DEAR SUSAN: Your anger is justified and it is time to use that anger in a positive way to get help for your sister. It is obvious that she is in way over her head and does not realize it. Keeping that promise will only enable her further in this dilemma and worsen the problem. Not only does your sister need to be rescued, so does her entire family. Keeping quiet will not help her and will only cause more pain for her family and those around her.

Let her know in no uncertain terms that it is time to face up to the problem before it gets worse and she is forced to do something irrational. Let her know that you will sit down with her and her husband so she can explain what is going on.

But also let her know in no uncertain terms that if she refuses you will have no choice but to call her husband.

And don't just take her word for it that she has told him. Stipulate that she must have her husband call you after they talk to assure you that he knows everything.

It is OK to support her but you must stop enabling her, since you are only adding to the problem. Use your anger to help her. It's time for a little tough love in this situation. Remember, it's called tough love because it's tough on the person doing it. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.