Mom fears her anger will destroy second marriage as it did first
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the July 6, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I am a 35-year-old mother of three children who ended up divorced largely because of my anger and tendency to physically abuse my former spouse.

About two years after getting divorced, I met and married an awesome man who is very passive and treats me like gold. He grew up in a calm and serene household, unlike the violent household I came from. He never seems to get upset. Even when something does anger him, he is always willing to talk about it.

When we first got married, I was able to keep my temper under control. But in the last six months, I have found myself lashing out at him in ways like I lashed out at my former spouse. It scares the daylights out of me.

The other night, I was working on a very important project for work when my computer crashed and I lost everything. I was out of my mind. I started screaming and yelling at my kids and my husband as if they had somehow sabotaged my project.

My husband calmly asked the children to go upstairs and allow me some time to calm down. He then turned to me and said, "Honey, let's look at this and see what we can do to fix it."

I went nuts, calling him all kinds of names, and the next thing I knew, I was throwing my ceramic coffee mug at him. The mug hit him in the head, opening a gash that took six stitches to close. When the nurse in the ER asked him what happened, he calmly said, "Oh, I was nailing up some sheet rock at home and the hammer came out of my hand and hit me in the head."

On the ride home, I asked him why he didn't tell the nurse the truth. He responded, "Honey it would only have caused more problems for us." I feel terrible about what I did and I am scared that it could happen again. Do you have any suggestions? -- Robin

DEAR ROBIN: It sounds like you are reacting to the learned behavior of your childhood. You have probably heard the old saying, "You are what you're taught to be." Well, it sounds like your husband was taught to deal with things that angered him in a rational manner while you were taught to avoid them and, when you did respond, it was with violence.

Look into an anger management course, one that emphasizes learning how to deal with things before they get out of control.

I also think you are doing what we refer to as "imploding," a practice of ignoring small things that bother you until they become so overwhelming that all it takes is one little incident for things to fall like dominoes, making you lose control completely. You also have to understand that will power is not enough to stop this type of behavior; you must learn new ways to deal with these problems. You should seek professional counseling because it seems you might have some things buried very deep, perhaps from your childhood. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.