Son struggles to take control of his life from his mother
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the July 12, 2010 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I am 20 years old and a sophomore in college and doing well. My problem is my mother.

Mom can be a sweetheart but she has to be the most controlling person on earth. Ever since I was old enough to remember, she has had to know my every move, what I was doing, where I was going and who I was going to be with.

I could understand this when I was younger, but why now? She constantly calls me on my cell phone, asking me where I am, what time I will be home and who I am with.

This has cost me friendships all my life because she would get my friends' numbers and call them all the time. After a while, they would just stop hanging out with me.

Currently I have a girlfriend (whom my mother says she likes) and my mother talks to her more than I do, but she is always digging for information about what I am doing.

I am an only child and I know she might be going through empty-nest syndrome, but please give me my life back. I get into arguments all the time with her over this and lately I have been getting pretty nasty toward her. This is not what I want because I love my mother but I can't handle it any longer.

As far as talking to my father, forget it. She has been controlling him since they got married and he will not say a word to her about it. He works a ton of hours and I swear it is because it is the only way he can get relief from her.

I've thought of moving out but I don't want to hurt her and I know that she will be devastated if I do. At the same time, sooner or later, I am going to say something very hurtful to her. I just know it. -- Sam

DEAR SAM: You might be right about the empty nest syndrome but it sounds like your mother has been doing this most of her life. She seems to be a person who just has to have control.

Talk to her, if possible with your Dad, and just put it to her straight. Tell her you are a grown man and that you feel it is time you start running your own life. Let her know that while you appreciate all she has done, it is time for you to make your own decisions.

Tell her the constant calls to find out what is going on has to stop and now. Let her know that if she can't abide by this, you will have no choice but to move out on your own.

She might be devastated but most people who insist on having control will get over it and find something else to control. She is only controlling you because you are allowing it to happen.

Remember, it is far better for her to be upset with you for moving out then to be hurt over something you said in anger toward her. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.