Working taking job frustration out on family, friends
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the July 13, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: People keep telling me I have a problem with anger -- and I'm not sure I agree with them -- but it seems I constantly get myself into hot water when I get upset.

The latest incident occurred at work about a week ago. Just before closing, my boss gave me a new assignment and said the big bosses upstairs needed this project done ASAP. He then walked away without any further explanation.

I will admit I tossed the thing aside and said to myself that I'd deal with it on Monday, even though I knew down deep I had no idea how I was going to get it done.

After work, a few of us went to a local bar to have a few drinks and watch the ballgame. It wasn't long before work became the subject of conversation. At first it was light but, as the beers started to flow, the conversation got heavier. The next thing I knew, I was in a full-fledged argument with one of my co-workers. It got so bad that the management of the place asked us to leave.

I left and went home, only to get into another argument with my wife, who ended up taking the kids and leaving for her mother's for the weekend. Then, to top it all off, I ended up in trouble at work on Monday because I hadn't even started the project.

This is not the first time this has happened to me. Every time it happens, I swear it will be the last time until it happens again. I am not sure if I have a problem with anger or if I just have a difficult time understanding things. -- Jack

DEAR JACK: The problem you're having isn't your anger. It's your response to it or, in this case, lack of response.

Your issue here isn't with anyone else. It's with the boss who gave you the assignment. You are spending time and energy arguing with people who have nothing to do with the situation and couldn't help you with the problem even if they wanted to.

Think about it: How could your co-workers or your wife help with the situation? They didn't give you the assignment, so what good does it do to take your frustration out on them?

What you needed to do was approach your boss when he first gave you the assignment and ask him to explain it so that you understood what he wanted. What you are doing is projecting your anger and frustration on others rather than going to the source of your anger -- the only person or thing that can help you resolve it.

It has become automatic for you to take your anger to the people you are most comfortable with instead of going to the source. You have to train yourself to go to the source of your anger for a solution because if you don't, the only thing you will end up with is pure frustration.

This keeps happening time after time because you have not made a commitment to change. This never changes until we make them change. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.