Woman seethes at acquaintance's insensitivity to her loss
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the July 27, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: A few weeks ago, I suffered the sudden loss of a family member. As you might expect, it was very difficult to deal with. Complicating things is my anger at people who seemed totally oblivious to the sensitivity of the situation.

I left a message on my cell phone, saying I'd had a death in the family and would be unreachable except for dire emergencies, asking callers to leave a message and I would get back to them as soon as the situation allowed.

I still had to check messages, since we had family coming in from out of town for the services. The first time I checked, there was a message from an acquaintance, saying she was sorry for my loss but it was imperative that she speak to me immediately. Not knowing what the problem was, I called her. What she said next nearly made me faint.

She said again she was sorry for my loss and that she knew how I felt. She'd had to put her family cat to sleep a few days ago and she could feel my pain. She then proceeded to tell me about her problem, which was far from a dire emergency. I was so stunned that I just told her I would have to get back to her later and hung up.

I am so livid that I am afraid the next time I have occasion to speak to her I am going to tell her off. My sister told me "that is just how some people are and you need to let it go."

I am not sure I can let it go. As far as I am concerned, this person had no empathy for my situation whatsoever.

Do you think I am making too much out of this? Should I just let it go or should I blast this person the next time I have occasion to speak to her? -- Melissa

DEAR MELISSA: Give yourself some time and see how you feel about it in a couple of weeks. Then, if the situation still bothers you or you still feel the need to confront this acquaintance, start by making a plan. That will allow you to say what you have to say without turning you into the villain.

Take a sheet of paper and write down whatever comes to mind. Don't hold back on feelings or language or anything else. When you finish, put the paper in a safe place and let it sit for a day or so. Then go back, read it over and think about how you are expressing your feelings. Think about how you would react if someone wrote this letter to you. This will allow you to experience your feelings and to formulate a response that will be to the point but won't make you look like the bad guy.

When you finally confront this person, stick to your plan and be assertive but do not allow yourself to become aggressive. Doing it this way will allow you to get it off your chest and walk away with your head held high. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.