Bitterness over ex-wife infects man's new marriage
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the June 1, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: My ex-wife and I were married for nearly 15 years and we had two children -- my son, who lives with me and my daughter, who lives with her. A lot of things happened in the marriage that have made me extremely bitter toward my ex-wife.

The problem is I am remarried now and the anger I have toward my ex-wife is causing great pain in my new marriage. I cannot seem to forget some of the things that happened in that marriage and it is making it very difficult for me to trust my new wife. Every time something happens, all I can think of is the past and I find myself lashing out at my current wife over something my former wife did to me. This is complicated by the fact that I still have to deal with my former spouse on child issues.

Last week, I got a call from one of my credit cards, telling me the monthly payment had not been made and that I needed to send it in immediately or it could affect my credit rating. In my previous marriage, my credit rating went right down the tubes because my ex-wife was horrible at handling the bills. Either she did not pay them or she was extremely late. We finally broke up when I found out that I owed a lot of money, which I thought had been paid.

When I got that call about the credit card, I went into orbit and started screaming at my present wife, telling her I would not stand for her hurting my credit. I went on and on until she finally yelled at me that she was not my ex-wife and that she had just made a mistake.

This seems to happen more and more lately. I am afraid that if I keep this up my wife will end up leaving me. How can I get control of this anger and stop blaming my present wife for my ex-wife's sins? -- Bruce

DEAR BRUCE: First, you have to stop and look at the big picture and figure out what is really bothering you. It sounds like you have brought a lot of issues in your former marriage into the new relationship.

Sit down with a piece of paper and write down all the things that bothered you in your former relationship. I think you'll see that there are few, if any, that you can or should be still dealing with.

Then, take another piece of paper and write down all the things you believe you have been blaming on your current spouse. Take an honest look at it. I believe you will find that most, if not all, of them are just things renting space in your head from the former spouse. You and your current wife should sit down and discuss some of these things so that she knows where you are coming from.

You need to let these resentments go, just as you let that former marriage go, and get on with this new relationship and deal with it on its own merits. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.