Just listening might help woman curb her negative outbursts
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the June 8, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: Since I was a child, I've had a reputation as someone who is not afraid to respond when something upsets me. As you might well imagine, this has caused me a good deal of pain and embarrassment over the years. In school, I had no problem with responding aggressively when a teacher said something to me.

While my peers saw me as someone not to mess with, I also ended up on the losing side of a lot of things. I tended to respond so quickly that I had no time to think about things before I said them and many times I hurt or angered others.

The other day, my boss approached me and tried to talk to me about a project I was working on. Well, I thought he was criticizing me so I responded in a very negative manner. Now I'm facing a disciplinary hearing with human resources next week. The union that represents me thinks that I should get away with a warning but I have to watch what I say in that meeting or it could be worse. I have to tell you I am very scared about this meeting. I'm afraid I'll be upset by what someone might say and respond the wrong way.

I am looking for some suggestions for how to react, because I am sick of getting myself into trouble. -- Sincerely, Diane

DEAR DIANE: It sounds like you are responding on a purely emotional level and that is never good. It also sounds like your listening skills leave a lot to be desired. You really need to improve those skills.

When we respond without listening to the entire statement, we usually respond in a negative manner. The only way to find out exactly what is being said is to listen to the entire conversation and then take time to digest it before responding.

Before you go into that meeting, write down all the things about the situation that are troubling you. This is called journaling. Make sure that you go all out. Put down your frustrations and annoyances with the entire situation and do not hold back.

Put it aside for a while and then go back and review what you wrote. Ask yourself, am I putting too much into this, or am I focusing on the wrong problem here? Often, after you have had time to calm down, you will find that you see things differently. Doing this will enable you to make a more unemotional response and you will be less likely to say things you will regret later.

Remember also that listening is a big part of this. The more you listen, the more information you gain, helping you to make a reasonable response to the situation. There is an old saying "God gave us two ears but only one tongue," which could be a gentle hint that we should listen more than we speak. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.