Son's violent reactions have dad fearing for his safety
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the June 14, 2010 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: A few weeks ago, I went on a fishing trip with my son and two grandsons, ages 5 and 6. I noticed that my son, Joel, seemed a little uptight when he picked me up that morning and the kids were very quiet in the back. I just chalked it up to maybe the kids were acting up on the way over and Dad had read them the riot act -- no big deal.

After driving for a while, we started to encounter heavy traffic. Joel started mumbling and yelling about the delays. I tried to get him to calm down but he told me to mind my own business.

What happened next was unbelievable. We came to a light and another driver cut him off and went ahead of him. Joel's reaction was really bizarre. He started chasing the guy, beeping his horn for him to pull over. I tried to get him to slow down because the kids were crying in the back seat, but he would not listen.

Finally, the other guy pulled over and Joel got out of the car and got in this guy's face. I jumped out and, between me and another man who had stopped, we were able to separate the two and be on our way.

That night, after the kids went to bed, I tried to talk to him but he would have no part of it. He told me he was a man and could make his own decisions. I told him that the kids were scared to death; his response was, "They'll get over it."

I spoke to my wife when I returned home and she reminded me that was how I was when I used to drink. I quit drinking years ago and have not displayed that type of behavior since. I am scared for my son because he is going to get hurt or hurt someone else. What can I do to get him to change? -- John

DEAR JOHN: Well, it sounds like your son has become a product of his old environment. He seems to have learned how to respond to his anger from Dad and now you're seeing the results firsthand.

You mentioned that you have not displayed that type of behavior since you stopped drinking. I would be curious to know how you handle things that anger you now that you don't drink. Also, you did not mention if Joel was experiencing similar problems with alcohol.

Regardless, the bottom line is you're right: Joel will hurt himself or someone else if he does not change his ways, not to mention that he could get himself in trouble with the law.

I would suggest that you write a letter to your son -- because it seems like he does not want to talk about it -- explaining your experience with anger, how you realize that you had not set a good example for him growing up, and that he is now doing the same thing to his children. Let him know you love him and want to help him deal with these problems. Suggest that he see an anger management specialist to talk about his problems.

Other than that, there is not much you can do, except refuse to be around him when he acts like that. Maybe the loss of seeing you and your wife will motivate him to get some help. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.