Irrational jealousy threatens woman's relationship with boyfriend
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the June 15, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: My anger is out of control and not only is it getting me into trouble, it is making my life a nightmare. I am no longer able to get a good night's sleep and when I am awake I am miserable.

It all has to do with my relationship with my boyfriend, whom I have been dating for the past four years. Steve is a great guy. He treats me like gold and I have no reason to complain about him at all.

The problem is that over the past year or so, I have become extremely jealous when it comes to Steve talking to any other female. It has gotten so bad that when I see him speaking to his older sister I get jealous because I think she is going to set him up with someone else behind my back.

I must be honest and tell you that I have no basis for any of this. Neither Steve nor anyone else has ever given me reason to believe that he is anything but faithful. It's all in my head. Last week, we were at a party together. I excused myself to use the ladies' room and upon my return, Steve was talking to my best friend. This was nothing but a simple conversation but the sight of him talking to her sent me into orbit. I ended up making a complete fool of myself, as well as embarrassing Steve.

Steve and I talked afterward and he told me he is not sure how much more of this he can take. To be honest, I can't really blame him. I do not want to lose him but I am not sure what I can do to stop my behavior. -- Arlene

DEAR ARLENE: It sounds like you have a build-up of imagined anger, where you allow yourself to become angry over things you conjure up in your mind that have no basis in fact.

Sit down and make two lists: one with all the positive things in your relationship with Steve and the other with all the negative things in the relationship. Next, make a list of all the losses you have experienced in your life -- for example, deaths of people close to you, loss of other relationships, divorces or separations of people close to you, friends who may have abandoned you, etc.

Then, take the first two lists and compare the positives with the negatives in your relationship with Steve and see how that pans out. After that, take the list of all your losses and see if any of them compare with some of the thoughts you are having about Steve leaving you.

I am betting you will find a direct connection with a previous loss in your life and your obsession with Steve leaving you.

I would also suggest that you contact a counselor who deals with relationships and try and work on some of these things you are imagining. Something in your life is triggering these thoughts and they are coming out in your relationship. You must identify them before you can fix them. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.