Man harbors anger over brother's death from drunk driver
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the June 28, 2010 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I have always considered myself to be a reasonable and calm person. That was up until about a year ago. At that time, I lost my younger brother in a horrific auto accident. My brother, Bill, was heading to work one night about 11 p.m., when he was broadsided by a drunk driver and killed instantly. The driver was arrested at the scene and charged with drunken driving and vehicular homicide.

To me and my family's disbelief, the person was released without bail from court the next morning. Adding insult to injury, we later found out through the news media that this was his second offense. In the previous accident, the person he hit ended up living, but is now permanently disabled.

Since the accident, I have become a very bitter and angry person. I find myself snapping at my co-workers, my friends and even my family. Things that I would never let bother me before drive me crazy now. The other night, I was watching the news, and a report came on about a person who had just killed someone in a drunken-driving accident. When they showed the person on TV, he appeared to be laughing while in handcuffs. At this point, I completely lost it and ended up smashing the TV screen. Needless to say, this really frightened my wife. She said that I needed to get some help soon or she was leaving.

Another thing that worries me is that the guy who killed my brother has his trial coming up this fall. I'm afraid about what I am capable of doing. I do not like this feeling, but I cannot seem to help it. Do you have any suggestions? Do I have a right to get angry over this situation? -- Howie

DEAR HOWIE: The answer to your last question, "Do you have the right to be angry over this situation," is yes. However, you have a responsibility to act maturely in your response to your anger.

It sounds like the trauma of losing your brother to a drunk driver is still very fresh in your mind, and you definitely need someone to talk to about this. I would strongly suggest that you seek out a counselor who specializes in trauma and possibly anger management. Start talking to him about your feelings toward this situation because it is only going to get worse. With the upcoming trial, your feelings could cause you to do something you will later regret.

I would also suggest that you get involved with a group such as "Mothers against Drunk Driving." While this will not bring your brother back, working to help curb drunken-driving incidents will help keep his death from being in vain.

Remember that anger is always OK. However, what sometimes happens in a situation like this is that the outrage takes over, never allowing the anger to be properly vented. Not doing something will cause one or two things to happen. You will continue to have outbursts and take it out on people you love and care about, or you will let it turn inward into depression on your part, or both.

The last thing you and your family need is for you to have some kind of outburst or violence during the trial of the man who killed your brother. This will do nothing but make him seem like a victim of violence -- not the perpetrator of it.

If you need more assistance, feel free to call me. Good luck -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.