Deal with problems before they start to explode
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the June 29, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I am writing because the last two months have tested every ounce of patience I have with my family. I feel like if I don't do something I am going to explode and end up regretting it.

It seems like I have become the punching bag in my house between my two teenagers and my husband. About two months ago my husband came home from work one day announcing that he was being let go from his job because of budget cuts. Since then he has done nothing but harp on me about getting a job and helping out with the finances. Well that is fine, however with the economy jobs are hard to find and I have been a stay-at-home mom (at his instance) for many years I do not have marketable skills. This however has not stopped him from nagging me and verbally abusing me, telling me that I am useless and that I should have gone to college when I had a chance. The chance he is talking about was 30 years ago when we first met and he was the one who was in a hurry to get married and have kids, so he didn't want me in college.

Then we have my two teenage daughters 15 and 17 who think I am their personal slave. They are reluctant to lift a finger to help around the house, their rooms are a mess, they make something to eat and just leave the mess behind for me to clean up. I will have to admit that part of this is my fault because I have spoiled them since they were little.

However now with the added financial pressure and my husband using me as a verbal battering ram I cannot take it anymore. I find myself getting more and more depressed and I know one of these days I am going to have a giant explosion and it will cause deep problems.

Do you have any suggestions before I ended up loosing my family because of what I may do? -- Karen

DEAR KAREN: The first thing you must do is sit down with your husband and have a good talk with him. Remind him that he was the one who wanted to have a family immediately, he is also the one who wanted you to be a stay-at-home mom and take care of the kids.

Let him know that you understand the pressure he is under and that you are willing to help in any way you can, however his using you as a verbal punching bag must stop immediately. The next thing you need to do is get your husband on board about dealing with your two daughters. Then both of you meet with these girls and let them know that the party is over and that they will be required to start pitching in around the house.

The reason you tend to explode and say things you later regret is because you are letting too much build up and it becomes overwhelming and exploding is the only way out. Dealing with problems when they are in the infant stage is much easier than dealing with them after they become full-grown. Also not dealing with things that bother and anger you can cause you to go into a deep depression. You need to start thinking about yourself.

Good Luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.