Don't let cheating friend torpedo your marriage
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the March 2, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I have a situation at work that involves my best friend Lori. The problem started six months ago when a new guy came to work at the plant. At the time Lori and her husband were going through some difficult times at home. They were unable to communicate with each other and were losing interest in their marriage. Well, somehow this new guy sensed that, and he started talking to Lori during breaks and lunch --they even started taking lunch together away from the rest of us.

I spoke to Lori about this one day, and she said he was just a nice guy that was easy to talk to. She also said she was working on things with her husband Paul, so there was nothing to worry about. Well, last week she told me that things were heating up between her and the new guy and that they had entered a sexual relationship. She begged me not to say anything.

This has me out of my mind in anger. We still go out socially with Lori and Paul, and I can tell he suspects something and it is killing me. Last week it got to the point that my husband Steve and I got into a heated argument over this. He says it is none of my business and that I should just ignore it. I am afraid that sooner or later Paul is going to approach me about what is going on and I do not know what to do.

I am so angry with my friend over this whole thing, I do not want to be the one who lets her husband know what is going on, but on the other hand I feel very badly about lying to the guy. This is causing problems between my husband and me. Do you have any suggestions? -- Mary

DEAR MARY: Well, first of all you have all the right in the world to be angry with your girlfriend for putting you in such a position. I would suggest that you sit down with her and let her know exactly how you feel and how angry you are at her for putting you in such a spot.

Remind her that her husband is also a friend of yours and that you do not feel comfortable lying to him. Tell her you think it is her responsibilities to either break it off with this other guy or to let her husband know what is going on so he can get on with his life. I would also let her know that while you do not intend on running to her husband, at the same time you refuse to lie for her. Let her know that if her husband approaches you about the affair that you are going to tell him the truth. I would also tell her that if she valued your friendship she would take the appropriate action to straighten this out.

Remember, a true friend would never put you in that position in the first place. So don't let this rent space in your head.

Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.