Son must demand end to divorced parents' name-calling
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the March 16, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: My parents divorced when I was only 9 years old. I am now in my late 20s. After the divorce, I lived with my mother but stayed weekends with my father. Although they despise each other, I have always maintained a great relationship with each of them.

One thing about the divorce still angers me. From the minute they separated, all I ever heard was what a lousy person each of them was. Dad would say nasty things about Mom and she would say mean and cruel things about him. It always bothered me, but I love them both, so I just overlooked it and pretended I never heard them.

Two years ago, I decided to get married. Planning the wedding with the two of them involved was a nightmare. Dad refused to sit anywhere near Mom or her family and Mom almost declined to attend because of Dad and his family. Somehow, the wedding went off with just a lot of dirty looks being thrown around the room.

Now we are expecting our first child and we are concerned about how my parents' behavior will affect our child. My wife says the last thing our baby needs is to be subjected to his grandparents calling each other names.

My wife has suggested that I speak to my parents and lay down some rules before that baby is born; she says she will not tolerate our child hearing my parents' constant knocking of each other. While I agree with her, I am puzzled as to how to handle this. I am afraid that if I try and talk to them, it will get explosive and I will lose both of them. Do you have any suggestions? -- Simon

DEAR SIMON: It sounds like it's about time for you to express your true feelings to your parents -- first, because of the baby coming but also because this may have been driving your anger for years.

I would suggest that you write each of them a letter. Let them know that you have always loved them both but that this name-calling and fighting has always bothered you terribly. Tell them that you and your wife are concerned about the effect this behavior will have on your child and their grandchild. Let them know that while you don't expect them to kiss and make up, you do expect them to put their behavior in check when around you, your wife and baby.

Let them know that the last thing you want to do is deprive them of their grandchild but that the baby's well-being comes first and you will not subject him or her to what you were subjected to. Let them know that this is not negotiable.

Also let them know that you and your wife are more than willing to sit down with them separately and work out a schedule for visiting so they will not run into each other and that from this point on, they will need to keep their opinions of each other to themselves.

Close by letting them know that you love them each very much but the foolish fighting and bickering in front of you and your family stops now. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.