Wedding on hold as man's abuse escalates from verbal to physical
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the March 22, 2010 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I have an anger problem that I'm just beginning to realize, even though my fiancee says it has been going on for a couple of years. She claims she has told me about it numerous times but because it never got physical, it never occurred to me that it was abuse.

We were at a bar a few weeks ago and something happened between us. I automatically started berating her in front of all her friends. As the argument escalated, I foolishly grabbed her by the arm to stop her from walking away.

Since she is a past victim of physical abuse in a former marriage, she reacted by hitting me. She later told me that it was the instinctive reaction she learned in her former marriage to protect herself. Being stunned, I attempted to block her punches, missed blocking one and ended up hitting her in the eye with my hand.

This is when things really got out of control. The bartender called 911, the police showed up, she went to the hospital and I went to jail.

Although I never intended to hit her and there were plenty of witnesses in the bar who said she hit me first, she still believes that I did it intentionally. She also refuses to take any responsibility for hitting me first, refuses to drop the charges and refuses to talk to me at all. We were planning on getting married in the fall. Now, she says she is having second thoughts about marrying someone who hits women.

Believe me, this is the first time I have ever laid my hands on a woman. I guess I was verbally abusive but never physically abusive.

Do you think I should be judged by one incident in the entire two years of our relationship? I love her and I do not know what to do. Thanks. -- Sam

DEAR SAM: Let's look at the big picture here. Whether it's verbal or physical abuse, you definitely have a major-league problem with you anger response. How can you sit back and say you didn't realize that berating your fiancee was abuse and that you were not out of control?

It was only a matter of time before it got physical. And, yes, I do think you should be judged on this incident, because hitting her even once is one time too many, not to mention the two years of verbal abuse.

You must take a serious look at your reaction to anger and do something about it before it gets you in even more trouble. Seek counseling with someone who specializes in anger management and make a serious effort to learn how to vent your anger in the proper way. No matter what the other person does, you are still responsible for your reaction to your anger.

Also, from the sound of things, I believe putting this marriage on hold is a good thing for both of you. It seems you both have a lot of work to do on anger response.

Another thing: I think your fiancee is correct in not dropping the charges. If she does and you suffer no consequences for what you did, what would be the incentive for you not to repeat this behavior? Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.