Promise to late husband threatens woman's relationship with sons
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the March 23, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: When we got married, my late husband and I started a small food service company. We were fortunate; it became quite successful and it supported our family of four in fine fashion for a lot of years.

When he became ill 10 years ago and was told by the doctors that he only had about a year to live, he made me promise that I would run the company exactly the way he had set it up. I promised him I would.

At the time, our two sons were just starting high school. Although they worked in the business after school and during the summer, it was not until about a year ago after college that they really started getting involved in running the company.

My problem is now that I am looking at retirement, I see they want to do things much differently from how their father did them. This makes me angry, because they know I promised their father that I would never change anything when it came to running the company.

As you might imagine, it is causing a giant rift between the boys and me. They keep telling me the business has to change because times are changing and if we don't change, we risk going out of business. They also tell me the business will have to generate more revenue in order to support me in retirement, as well as both of them and, hopefully, their families down the road.

Part of me knows they are right but I get frustrated and angry when I think about the promise I made to my husband. I don't want to fight with my sons and risk losing them but at the same time I feel guilt and anger over not keeping the promise to my husband. Do you have any suggestions? -- Darlene

DEAR DARLENE: Well, first of all, your anger and frustration are justified. After all, you did make a promise to your late husband not to change things.

But if you look at the big picture, you have kept that promise. Your sons, on the other hand, did not make the same promise and it sounds like they are getting ready to take over after you retire. They'll be making the changes, not you.

I see you having two choices: turning control over to your sons and letting them run the company as they see fit or putting your retirement off and running the company the way your late husband did. However, you must realize that you will be running the risk of your sons moving on. Then you will have to either close the company or sell it to strangers.

I am sure your husband's intentions were not to put you into conflict with your sons. He was just trying to make sure things ran smoothly in order to provide a good living for you and the two boys.

I would suggest you turn the company over to the boys and start enjoying your retirement. That is what I think your husband would have wanted for you. If he were alive, I'll bet he would eventually turn the company over to the boys and let them run it their way. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.