Possessive sister- in- law's threats endangering marriage
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the March 29, 2010 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I am having a serious problem with my sister -in-law, Jane. I met Jane five years ago, when I started dating her brother, Steve. She seemed nice enough but as time went on I noticed she was overly possessive of her brother.

She would think nothing of coming into the living room while we were watching television, snuggling herself right up in between us and talking to her brother. If I dared to interrupt, she would get furious. I questioned Steve about this and he said "Oh it's nothing. We were very close as kids."

After dating for a year, we decided to get married. At my engagement party, she came up to me and said "Welcome to the family. If you ever hurt my brother, I will kill you." Since she had been drinking, I just dismissed it. Now I am starting to wonder.

Since we have been married, she shows up at our house unannounced anytime she feels like it and thinks nothing about going through Steve's personal stuff. When I question her about it, she just says, "Oh I've always done this."

When Steve and I have an argument, he tends to talk to her about it. She has no problem calling me and asking what is going on and does it in a threatening way.

Last week Steve and I had a huge blow-up over his going out with his friends and not coming home until 5am. He went crying to his sister, who came flying in my house yelling and screaming about me not letting her brother have a life. She then reminded me about what she had told me at the engagement party, saying she meant it then and meant it now.

I tried to tell my husband but he just dismissed it, saying "You know my sister doesn't mean anything by it." I am very concerned but my husband keeps telling me I am making something out of nothing. Am I making something out of nothing or do I have the right to get angry? -- Karen

DEAR KAREN: It is your husband who is wrong here; he should be making something out of this because it is a big thing. What your sister-in-law is doing is not only wrong, it is criminal. You can't go around threatening to kill someone.

Steve's excuses for his sister just don't cut it. His sister needs some serious help with her anger. At the same time, Steve needs to stop telling her everything that is going on in your marriage, because it is obvious the woman can't handle bad news.

Tell your husband that you have grown fearful of his sister and that you want him to speak to her. Tell him that he needs to tell her that the days of coming over uninvited and going through personal things are over. Tell him if he refuses, you will contact the police, and get a restraining order to keep her away.

You and Steve need to consult a marriage counselor to talk about some of these issues before they ruin your marriage. Remember you married him; it's not a package deal with his sister included. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.