Teen son must learn he can't bully his way into getting what he wants
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the March 30, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: We have a 16-year-old son who has been going through a lot lately as he tries to find himself and establish his own identity.

Lately, he has become very vocal and he postures when he does not get his own way. This has not gone over well with my husband. He claims Eric is just using his size in an effort to intimidate us into giving in to him.

It all came to a head last evening when Eric came home from hockey practice. He informed me that he was going to sleep at his friend's house and would go to school from there.

I objected because we have a rule: no sleepovers on school nights. Well, this set Eric off and he yelled that he was 16 years old and shouldn't have to answer to his parents for every little thing he wanted to do. He then took some clothes and stormed out of the house, slamming the front door and breaking the glass.

My husband returned shortly after the incident and noticed the broken glass, so I had to tell him what transpired. He hit the roof and said it was time Eric learned just who the bosses were in this house. I begged him not to go over and get Eric until he calmed down. Thankfully, he waited to get Eric but they really didn't speak because my husband told him he wanted to wait until he calmed down some more.

I think this is just a stage that Eric is going through and I believe if we just let it work itself out, everything will be OK. My husband, on the other hand, says Eric needs to be told in no uncertain terms that these are the rules and he either obeys them or else.

I don't know what to to do. I do not want to drive my son away but at the same time I don't want to oppose my husband. -- Marylyn

DEAR MARYLYN: Well, I hate to disappoint you but I have to side with your husband on this one. There is no way you can let this 16-year-old intimidate you to get his own way. Not only is it not good for the household it is not good for Eric himself. Letting him get away with this now does nothing more than set him up for failure later on in life when things do not go his way. He has to learn there are rules in this life and they have to be followed, no matter who you are.

I understand what you are saying about finding his own identity but this cannot be at a cost to others. It just won't work. Eric needs to be taught that the way to get things done in this world is to talk to people and work things out. He needs to understand that you can't bully your way through life.

Stand by your husband and let your son know that he is not going to be able to bully his way through your house or life. I guarantee he will thank you later on in life. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.