For grandmother, cooperating with mom is key to seeing grandchild
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the May 11, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I am writing about a situation with my granddaughter, who is 5 years old. Up until recently, my husband and I have been allowed to take Brittany pretty much at will and we have.

The problem is my son and daughter-in-law are in the middle of a nasty divorce and he is refusing to pay his appropriate amount of child support. We do not condone this by any stretch of the imagination; in fact, we have chastised him worse than anyone.

Lately, though, we have been denied access to our grandchild because our daughter-in-law is upset with him, even though she says it's because Brittany is too difficult to control when she comes home from visits with us.

I don't believe this is true but, giving her the benefit of the doubt, we have really scaled things back with Brittany. We also tell her that if she is not good for Mommy when she goes home, she might not be able to come visit Nana when she wants to.

This kid is our life, we love her and love having her over to our house. I fully understand my daughter-in-law being upset with our son. We do not allow him to come to the house when we have Brittany because he is not paying support. My husband and I think it is unfair that we should be punished because our son is a knucklehead.

We try and help out as much as we can, by purchasing clothes and things that the child needs. We always consult with our daughter-in-law first to make sure we are not buying something she does not approve of.

My husband and I are afraid that if we lose contact with Brittany for too long she will forget who we are. I wish I could drill some sense into my son but he is a grown man and those days are gone.

Do you have any suggestions, because we are at our wits end with this situation and it is causing a lot of problems here at home. -- Janet

DEAR JANET: Well, I have to agree that it does seem unfair that you and your husband are being punished because of your son. On the other hand, I can also understand your daughter-in-law's predicament with him.

I would suggest that you and your husband sit down and work out a plan that will answer your daughter-in-law's concerns about Brittany's behavior after her visits with you. Then you can meet with your daughter-in-law, explain the plan and ask for her input.

Let her know that you are not defending your son -- in fact, that you are on her side when it comes to his actions. Tell her of your concerns about being kept away from your granddaughter and that it's your son who deserves punishment, not the child. Assure her that you are willing to work with her to make sure that Brittany's visits do not cause a problem for her.

Lastly, assure your daughter-in-law that you have no dog in this fight and that your only concern is for your granddaughter. Let her know you have no intention of meddling in the divorce. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.