Future in-laws' expensive tastes make wedding plans a nightmare
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the May 17, 2010 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I am a 24 year old woman who recently got engaged. I told my parents that we would like to get married in about a year. Their response was great and they thanked me for giving them enough time to figure things out financially.

We come from a middle class family: my parents, my two brothers and me. My father is a police officer and my mother is a teacher. We have always lived well but not extravagantly and never really wanted for anything. My fiance's family, on the other hand, is very well off; they own several businesses, live in what I consider a mansion and drive top-of-the-line cars.

The problem is that since we told our parents, my future mother-in-law has gone off on a tangent like she is planning a wedding for royalty. For example, she e-mailed me that she had found this wonderful 13-piece orchestra for only $12,000. I nearly fell off the chair. Earlier, her husband had mentioned something about having an open bar at the reception -- something my parents definitely can't afford and that my father, as a police officer, is totally against.

My parents intend to give me a very nice wedding but it seems that my future in-laws are hellbent on embarrassing them or trying to put them into bankruptcy.

I have spoken to my fiance and he agrees, but he is scared to death of his parents, especially his mother. He says that if he upsets her too much she might leave him out of the will and give everything to his two brothers.

Needless to say, this is causing great stress in my life. I am getting extremely angry with my fiance over this and I am arguing with my parents about it. Do you have any suggestions? -- Sophia

DEAR SOPHIA: Let's look at the big picture: You are arguing with your parents over this but your future in-laws are the cause of your anger. The first thing you have to do is direct your anger toward the cause and do it in a way that addresses the situation and isn't just venting.

Let your fiance know that he needs to help find a solution to this problem and stop worrying about his so-called future inheritance. Tell him he has to speak up to his parents and let them know your parents can't afford their expensive tastes. Tell him that if his parents want all these extras, then they need to sit down with your parents and be willing to pay for them. However they need to realize that your parents are the ones footing the bill and setting up the wedding. Any additions will have to be approved by you and your parents, no matter who is paying.

Think about it. If your husband is not willing to speak up for you now, what does the future hold for your marriage? Will your in-laws dictate how you live your lives by holding money over your head?

I also believe that by directing your anger towards its source you will find great relief. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.