Teen hates life in hostile household
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the May 18, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I need help; I think I come from the angriest family on earth and that's no exaggeration. My family consists of my parents, two brothers, 13 and 11, and me -- I'm 16.

All we ever do is yell at each other. I swear that if someone in my house ever talked in a normal tone of voice everyone would wonder what was wrong with us.

Last week, my 13-year-old brother came home from school in a rotten mood. It seems some girl he had a crush on shunned him. When my mother asked him what the problem was, he exploded. He started throwing things, broke a window in the house, smashed some of my mother's good china. He was totally out of control.

My mother ended up calling the police to get him to calm down. Even then, it took the police officer almost 30 minutes to get him under control. This police officer had unbelievable patience; I still do not believe he did not arrest my brother

After the police left, my father walked in from work. When he found out what happened, he started screaming and yelling and it started all over again. The part that really gets me is that a few hours later, they were all joking and kidding like nothing had ever happened. It was unbelievable.

I always thought that this behavior was normal until I started getting older and saw how my friends' families would handle things that bother them. They would talk about it and work something out without all the yelling, screaming and fighting.

How do I get my family to do that? I can't stand the way things are at home now and if they do not change pretty soon I swear I am going to leave. Please give me some suggestions. -- Maria

DEAR MARIA: First of all, let me commend you for seeing through all this hostility and realizing that yelling, screaming and fighting are not the way to handle things that anger us. We all get angry from time to time, which is perfectly all right. Getting angry is how we change things we do not like or agree with. The screaming is only the response to the anger. It's not the right response and usually all it does is cause more hostility.

The first thing you need to realize, though, is that the only person that you can change is yourself. Your family members will have to change themselves. What you can do is set the example and refuse to be dragged into that senseless hostility. Your refusal will send the message that you are no longer willing to deal with things at their level. If they want have a good interchange with you, they'll have to take a different approach.

I believe you'll find that by taking a different approach, you will see it's much easier to get things done. When people spend all their time fighting with each other, there is little or no time left to change things.

You might take an anger management course so you can develop some new coping skills to deal with your response to anger. Remember, also, you must stay in control. Don't let someone else wrestle it away from you by getting you to lose your temper. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.