Husband must adjust to U.S. culture in life with new wife
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the May 1, 2006 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I am a successful architect who was born and educated in Europe, where I lived until 10 years ago. After my first wife, Edna, passed away of cancer at 32, I moved to the United States.

About four years ago, I met and married a wonderful woman who has lived here all her life. My problem is with how angry I become when I see her talking to another man. Edna (my deceased wife) would never speak to another man except to say a brief hello and only if she knew him. Shannon, my new wife, sees nothing wrong with speaking to a complete stranger if she feels the need.

This has been the cause of some serious arguments. She claims that speaking to another man means nothing. However, in the village where I grew up, the only women who would speak to a man unsolicited were referred to as "women of the night." I truly do not believe that my wife is being unfaithful to me. However, it drives me crazy when I see her speaking to other men. I get so upset that I end up saying things I later regret.

I truly love Shannon and with the exception of this problem we have a wonderful relationship. She claims that my insane jealously is going to drive her away. How can I cope with this problem and not lose my wife? -- Edmond

DEAR EDMOND: First of all, you must realize that you are dealing with two different cultures here: the one you grew up in, which teaches that women do not normally speak to men other than their husbands, and the other, in which Shannon grew up, which teaches talking to men other than your husband is acceptable.

Once you have done this, you can now look at the whole picture and see what is really happening. Under your European culture, women accepted this teaching as something that was normal and expected of them from the time they are very young. This worked fine with your first wife because she accepted it; she probably felt the same way you did toward women who spoke to strangers.

However, your second wife Shannon was taught from an early age that speaking to other men was completely acceptable and did not mean anything malicious toward your husband or boyfriend; it was just a way of being friendly.

In Europe, this type of behavior was probably the only way that a good, honest relationship could survive. In the United States, many times, it is the fastest way to destroy a good relationship.

Looking at the big picture here, with the goal being that you and your wife have a good relationship. Here in the U.S., that calls for you to adjust your thinking toward the culture you are currently living in.

A way to better understand this is to sit down and make two lists. Label the first list "Edmond & Shannon under European rules in U.S." Label the second list "Edmond & Shannon under U.S. rules in the U.S." You should list all the pros and cons on each list. Then, keeping your goal in mind, compare the two lists. I believe you will find the list of "Edmond & Shannon under U.S. rules in the U.S." comes out on top.

You need to use your anger to motivate you to learn how to change your feelings, thereby stopping the anger from turning into jealousy that will drive your wife away. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.