Husband's condescension has pushed wife to boiling point
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the May 24, 2010 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: My husband and I have been married for almost 30 years. We met in high school and have been together ever since.

When I met Jim, he was a jock on the high school football team and was one of the smartest kids in the school academically. He just seemed to excel at everything he did and things came easily to him. He was well aware that he was good looking and talented. In short, he was a very conceited person. Any time we were together, he would always have to show off like he knew everything and I was just the dumb blonde on his arm.

Well, after we got married, this never really changed much. We had three kids and I was a stay-at-home mom, while he was a corporate executive. He always had a tendency to put me down to make himself look good. I took this treatment because I loved him and figured he was the breadwinner and I was just a housewife.

Well, now that the kids are grown and gone, I have returned to school and am in the process of making something of myself. It is doing wonders for my self-esteem but it seems to be making Jim angry.

The other night, we attended a meeting at our social club and they were looking for someone to run the fall charity function, so I volunteered. The next thing I heard was my husband saying very loudly so everyone could hear, "Honey, please, you don't know anything about that stuff. Let someone with a brain volunteer."

Well you could have heard a pin drop in the room. I could have crawled under my chair, I was so embarrassed.

This is happening more and more and it is making me extremely angry but I don't know what to do. I am afraid I am going to haul off and hit him with something someday. Do you have any suggestions? -- Jean

DEAR JEAN: Well, readers out there might think hitting your husband with something is a good idea but -- all kidding aside -- it is not going to solve anything. He sounds very narcissistic and that type of person will never learn anything from direct violent confrontation. He'll just turn it around and make himself look like the victim.

I am glad to hear after all these years you have decided to finally say, enough is enough. Now, you have to put a plan in place to see if you can change things as far as your relationship goes.

You have to communicate to your husband that even though you have reluctantly accepted his behavior all these years, the time has come that you are no longer going to tolerate it. Let him know that you are sick of being treated as his subject instead of his equal.

I know that this will not be easy for you to do but you can also tell him that you know it takes time to change one's behavior and that you're willing to work with him, but that he must make a serious commitment or you're leaving.

You might also see a couples counselor who specializes in mediation. The bottom line is no one should have to put up with that kind of abuse from anyone, let alone a spouse. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.