Father-in-law's advances strain woman's marriage
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the May 25, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years and, for the most part, we have what I think is a good relationship.

There is one problem -- my father-in-law, who thinks he is attractive to all women. This man has been cheating on his wife forever and everyone, including my mother-in-law, is aware of it. He openly flirts with every woman he comes into contact with and it does not matter who is around or what his surroundings are.

Over the years, I have learned just to ignore his comments. However, his touching really bothers me. This man thinks nothing of coming up, giving me a kiss on the cheek and then touching me inappropriately. I have complained to my husband on numerous occasions and all he says is, "That is just my father; you know how he can be." It's like the entire family has just accepted it and let it go because they are scared to confront him.

Several years ago, he cornered my brother-in-law's wife in a room and, if someone hadn't walked in, she probably would have been a rape victim. They have since moved across the country just to get away from him. Again, the family closed ranks and insisted on protecting this guy.

I am at the point where I cannot stand the sight of him. When I complain to my husband, he says I am just making something out of nothing. This has made me extremely angry but I'm starting to think maybe my husband is right. Do you think I have the right to be angry and do you have any suggestions on what I should do about it? -- Kristen

DEAR KRISTEN: You are not making something out of nothing and your husband needs to realize that. Your father-in-law is way off base. Just because people have chosen to accept his behavior over the years does not make it right by any stretch of the imagination.

You should sit down with your husband and tell him that, as his wife, you expect him to protect you from the unwarranted advances by his father. Tell him that if he chooses not to protect you, then you will have no alternative but to take matters into your own hands and he will just have to live with the results.

Next, approach your father-in-law -- and not alone -- and let him know in no uncertain terms that if he touches you again in an inappropriate manner you will file charges against him. Let him know that his behavior will no longer be tolerated and that you mean business.

Once you do this, you must be prepared to follow through. If you do not, he will never take you seriously. I realize these are harsh methods but this man needs to realize his actions are not a game. They amount to criminal behavior.

I would also suggest couples counseling to help you and your husband deal with this problem. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.